The Mostly True Adventures of Homer P. Figg

Homer hates baths. To him, a bath “is sort of like drowning, with soap” (113). He tries to talk Minerva into spending the coins on candy, but she lifts him, places him across her hip, and carries him to a Chinese laundry, where the workers put Homer into a big tub of soapy hot water and scrub him clean. On the way back, Minerva buys Homer some candy. At the docks, the circus wagons are loaded and ready, and Fleabottom tells Minerva he’s eager to leave the area because it’s riddled with spies. Homer overhears, and Fleabottom pretends he’s joking about the spies, but the boy knows a truth stretcher when he hears one. 

Homer rides with Fleabottom as he drives one of the wagons to the ferry for New Jersey. Homer is amazed at the enormous crowds of people on the streets. Fleabottom tells him that a big problem in New York City is the amount of horse manure, thousands of tons per day. Fleabottom and Minerva keep glancing about for spies, and Homer finds himself looking, too, but the streets are too crowded. He wonders what’s in the other circus wagons, guessing that they contain something worthy of spying. Fleabottom says he’ll show him tonight. They reach the ferry terminal and drive onto a big, flat boat alongside a crowd of other people and wagons. The river is crowded with boats, but the ferry chugs quickly to the other side. Homer looks at the dock: Standing in a crowd of soldiers is Harold. 

Homer jumps onto the dock and races for Harold through the mass of blue-clad troops. He calls out, and the young man turns, but it’s not Harold; it’s Private Thomas Finch from Massachusetts. Private Finch believes the Maine soldiers have departed already. Homer asks him, if he meets Harold, to tell him to come home because his brother is dying. Private Finch grins at the obvious lie and assures Homer that he’ll relay the message if the chance arises.

Minerva finds Homer, grabs him by the collar, and leads him back to the wagon. She notices Homer is crying but says nothing. Ten miles inland, at Jersey City, the Caravan rolls to a stop near an army tent camp. In the distance, Homer hears gunfire and asks if the war is nearby. Fleabottom informs him that the soldiers are training and the real war is much farther away. The other wagon drivers go to the tent camp and announce the Caravan’s presence. Homer and Minerva set out torches, banners, and flags. Homer is excited: Tonight is his first night as the Amazing Pig Boy. 

A crowd of soldiers gathers, and Professor Fleabottom emerges from his wagon dressed in top hat, a coat with five-dollar gold piece buttons, and polished boots. He mesmerizes the troops with an ornate opening speech. He follows this by playing a banjo piece that gets faster and faster, and suddenly Minerva appears and, without a break, takes over the banjo and continues to play it. Fleabottom soon rejoins her and they both play the instrument at the same time. The audience erupts in cheers and applause. The next act, the Talented Tumbling Brillo Brothers, contains two bearded gymnasts—the two other circus wagon drivers—who tumble as well as juggle fire, bricks, buckets, and chairs, and finally take a small soldier from the audience and juggle him.

Fleabottom then introduces a “hybrid creature, part human, part hog. Half boy, half pig” (130), and out rolls a crate containing three squealing pigs and Homer, who squeals and snarls through the slats, snapping his teeth at the audience. Homer wears only a skimpy pair of underwear along with a coating of dirt and leaves and a curly tail. Fleabottom warns the onlookers to stay back because, he claims, the Pig Boy recently bit off an entire hand, along with noses, ears, and the remaining eyeball of a one-eyed sailor.

As Homer bleats angrily—he’s enjoying himself immensely—Fleabottom declares that there is no cure for this half-boy, half-animal, but there is a cure for common afflictions, and that cure is Professor Fleabottom’s Miracle Elixir, as handed out by the Totally Tattooed Lady from Cannibal Island. The soldiers crowd around, buying and drinking the patent medicine. Cleaning up in the wagon, Homer can smell the elixir: “I know that smell. Whiskey. Professor Fleabottom’s Miracle Elixir is just plain whiskey” (132). 

Homer remembers sneaking off with Harold to the state fair, where crowds mingled, delicious foods of all kinds were for sale, exhibitions showed off amazing products, and at night a special tent featured scantily clad women dancers. Because he was only a child, Homer couldn’t enter that tent, but he and Harold earned a few coins helping drunken fairgoers find their way back to their wagons. This is where Homer first became familiar with the smell of whiskey on men’s breath.

He knows that whiskey “makes men stupid” (134), and, watching soldiers get drunk on elixir, he thinks it’s wrong. Professor Fleabottom explains that these soldiers are “replacements” who will fill in for men who have died in battle or from disease, that many of these recruits will also die, and that the elixir fills them with courage for a short while. At least they’ve seen Pig Boy; too soon, they’ll see “the elephant”—war and battle—and perhaps the grave.

For the next few weeks, Homer works with the Caravan, which sneaks out of town late after each show so as not to get caught up by local ordinances or lose its jugglers to the army draft. The jugglers, Bernard and Tallyrand, enjoy pranks and jokes, and Homer enjoys their company. Tally also is the cook, and Homer loves the food, especially Tally’s eggs, sausage, and biscuits.

Fleabottom asks about Harold at each stop. Rumors have it that a big battle is shaping up in Pennsylvania, and Harold might be there. At night, Homer imagines Harold carrying the US flag into battle and General Lee shoots him, and he falls onto the flag in a heap, dead. Homer is outside one dark night when he sees Fleabottom hand a satchel to a man on horseback who salutes and rides away. 

As the Caravan travels, they pass black wagons filled with coffins containing dead Union soldiers. Professor Fleabottom pulls over and has everyone get out and stand with hats off as the wagons pass. One Union wagon throws a spoke, and Bern and Tally help with the repair while Fleabottom regales the driver with fine words. He asks why the dead aren’t buried at the battlefield; the driver says these are men who were wounded and died later.

Fleabottom plies the driver with elixir to get him to talk about local war news. General Lee’s forces are invading Pennsylvania, and northern areas are frustrated and close to rebellion. After the army wagons have gone, Fleabottom tells Homer that the war might be over before Harold has to fight. 

Near Lancaster, Pennsylvania, too many soldiers buy elixir and become drunk, and the commanding colonel sends troops to arrest the circus, but Fleabottom bribes the troops, and the Caravan escapes into the night.

One morning, as the Carnival wagons roll westward, a giant balloon suddenly looms overhead. Inside a basket that hangs from the balloon is a man who gestures frantically. Bern and Tally see the balloon’s anchor, tied by a rope to the basket, as it scrapes along the ground. The brothers and Homer give chase. Tally grabs the anchor but it rises into the air and he falls off. Bern catches the anchor but it lifts him, too, and he calls to Homer, who grabs Bern’s legs. Both are pulled high in the air, and they hang on desperately. The balloon soars over a tree-covered hill, and Bern and Homer crash into the trees. Homer hits his head on a tree trunk and passes out.

He awakens to Minerva applying a cool cloth to his head. Tally is making breakfast at the base of the trees. The balloon is snagged on the trees, and Fleabottom chats with the pilot, trying to learn more about it. The pilot, Dennett Bobbins, uses the balloon to spy for the Union on enemy positions; his vehicle can climb to 10,000 feet. He refers to the balloon as “Tilda” and considers it an airship. The balloons have problems—Tilda just broke her moorings, causing the crash—and they are to be taken out of service. Fleabottom queries Mr. Bobbins about what he’s learned of the Confederate forces, but he’s interrupted by Union cavalry who arrive to arrest all of them. 

The soldiers point their rifles at the group. The captain demands to know if they’re Confederate spies. He demands coffee and drinks it, testing for Southern chicory, spits out some and tosses the cup into the fire. Fleabottom offers food or, if they like, bottles of elixir. The captain accuses Fleabottom of trying to get them drunk on “cheap whiskey” and sneaking away. Homer makes plans to climb a tree, if shooting starts, where he’ll hide like a squirrel.

The captain arrests Fleabottom—whom he calls by another name, “Reginald Robertson Crockett” (155)—and accuses him of being a known spy for the Confederacy seen inquiring about Union troop movements. The soldiers place Fleabottom in ankle and wrist irons. Fleabottom explains that he’s merely asking around to help Homer locate and rescue his underage brother from army service. Homer confirms it.

The captain brings forth a beaten-up prisoner on horseback, the man Homer saw accepting a satchel from Fleabottom. The captain names the prisoner Levi Crockett, brother of Reginald, and produces the satchel, which contains Union army positions. Minerva, angry, hurls a pan at the captain, but it misses. The captain orders everyone arrested, including Bern and Tally, whom he calls “draft-dodging jugglers” (159). However, Homer has climbed up a tree and into the balloon basket, where he uses a kitchen knife, borrowed from Tally’s cook fire, to cut the balloon free. He sails away on the wind.