The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

Ruiz presents his third agreement, Don’t Make Assumptions. When people make assumptions, they believe them and react to situations that don’t really exist by sending emotional poison into the world. He shares the example of seeing a person one likes at a mall. The person smiles, and suddenly one assumes that the person must really like them. Soon, they’ve imagined an entire future with this person and even planned a wedding. However, nothing about their assumptions is true, so the bubble soon bursts.

Ruiz writes that people make assumptions—and consequently gossip about them—because they’re afraid to ask questions. Because they don’t ask questions, the mitote and previously made agreements in their minds lead them to misinterpret situations. The human mind is quick to make assumptions because of its need to understand and justify everything to feel safe. Assumptions replace necessary communication and set people up for suffering.

Next, Ruiz examines how assumptions operate in relationships. People tend to assume that everyone else sees the world the way they do, which is why people are afraid of being themselves. They’re afraid that others will judge them as they judge themselves. In relationships, people often assume that their partner is a certain way, which later leads to hurt. Ruiz gives the example of a marriage in which both parties assume that their partner views marriage the same way they do. They never communicate about it, so the wife is angry at the husband, and he doesn’t know why. She assumes that he should know why she’s upset but never tells him. This creates conflict that they could have resolved had they both communicated their wants and been unafraid to ask clarifying questions.

Ruiz encourages people to be their true selves in relationships and forge relationships only with people whom they truly like. This way, people can take or leave each other. Ruiz claims that those who feel like they must change their partner never truly loved their partner.

Assumptions aren’t made only in relationships; people also make assumptions about themselves. People often over- or underestimate themselves because they haven’t asked themselves the necessary questions and taken an honest look at the answers. This creates inner conflict and feeds the mitote in their mind.

Ruiz then lays out practical tips on how not to make assumptions. He suggests that people make sure their communication is clear—and if they don’t understand something, ask. He urges them to speak up for what they want, reminding them that everyone has the right to ask and that everyone has the right to say yes or no. He urges people to be aware of the habits they’ve built that will make this agreement difficult—but to practice it like a habit. Action is what solidifies the agreement.

He ends the chapter by demonstrating how life can look when this agreement takes effect. Emotional poison will dissipate. People will fully understand situations because they asked questions. People will be clear about what they want, their partners will be clear about what they want, and relationships will have no room for misunderstandings. Making this agreement allows an individual’s spirit to move freely and achieve true personal freedom.