The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens

In America and elsewhere, people are often brought up with the “win-lose” mentality, which is the belief that the only way to get ahead in life is if everyone else loses. This paradigm assumes that resources are finite, so it’s best to get as much as you can at the expense of others. Covey uses the metaphor of the totem pole to represent the idea that climbing the ladder of success means making sure others lose and stay below you.

Another paradigm that Covey discusses is the “lose-win” mentality, which can be visualized with the metaphor of the doormat. This mentality means always giving in and “losing” arguments in a desire to keep the peace. Covey recommends this strategy only for small stuff: “Let others win the little issues, and it will be a deposit into their RBA” (150). For the big stuff, however, we can’t be afraid to stand up for ourselves.

The third paradigm is “lose-lose,” which “is usually what happens when two Win-Lose people get together” (151). Covey says that war is a good example of lose-lose; to win requires destroying as much as you can. While one side might win the war, both sides have had to pay an incredible cost.

The fourth paradigm is the model Covey urges: “Win-win is a belief that everyone can win” (152). Rather than imagining finite resources, this paradigm suggests that resources are ever-growing, and we should be encouraging each other to succeed rather than seeking to prevent others’ success.

Covey has two suggestions for developing this mentality, especially when you see others getting ahead and you feel you are falling behind. One is to “win the private victory first” (154): We will continue to feel threatened by others if we are insecure about our worth. It is key to develop the first three Habits, making sure to make deposits into our Personal Bank Account, so that we will not feel threatened by others. Next, “avoid the tumor twins” (154): Covey uses the metaphor of a tumor to describe out-of-control competition and comparison. While competition can be healthy when it pushes us to improve, unhealthy competition arises “when you tie your self-worth into winning or when you use it as a way to place yourself above another” (155). Comparison can be just as destructive. If we always judge ourselves based on others’ accomplishments, we will always be unhappy. Instead, we need to focus on our own identity. It’s not easy to resist comparison, especially in the age of Facebook and Instagram, but it’s necessary for the health of our personal bank account.

Covey assures us that if we can make the shift to win-win, we will be happily surprised by its effects. People will gravitate toward us because it is refreshing to be around people who work so that all can succeed. Covey recognizes that it may be hard to engage with those who are determined to seek only win-lose solutions for themselves. In such cases, Covey says that sometimes the only solution is to simply refuse to engage and say “No Deal.”

If we can remember the simple habit “Listen first, talk second” (165), it will go a long way toward building our relationship bank account with others. However, this simple saying is not easy to follow at first. Rather than truly listening to others, we want to jump in and talk first, or sometimes we are too distracted to listen. Covey warns us away from the less effective ways of listening. He highlights five “poor listening styles” (158), which include “spacing out,” when we grow bored or are too caught up in our thoughts and let our minds wander; “pretend listening,” which is similar to spacing out, but we throw out a comment now and then to make it seem like we’re listening (it will be obvious to the listener that we are not); “word listening,” when we listen to the words but without trying to understand the emotions behind them; and “self-centered listening,” when we listen but interpret everything from our point of view.

Covey then discusses the components of “genuine listening”; this can especially help when communicating with parents. First, you should “listen with your eyes, heart, and ears” (171). Everyone has a “desperate need to be understood” (171), and satisfying this need will add greatly to our RBA with others. Next is to “stand in their shoes” (172). Rather than trying to “win” a conversation by insisting on our words, we need to appreciate that we all have different experiences and we might not always know the whole story. Finally, “practice mirroring,” which is “simply this: Repeat back in your own words what the other person is saying and feeling” (173). We shouldn’t mindlessly parrot back what the other says but instead rephrase their words, allowing their ideas and feelings to take the stage rather than insisting on our own.

Covey reminds us that the second half of this habit, “then seek to be understood,” is just as important as the first half, “Seek first to understand.” If we only do the first half, we will be in a lose-win/doormat situation. We can’t be afraid to speak up. If we are in a position to offer feedback after careful listening, we should keep in mind two points. First, will the feedback help the person or does it mainly serve our own needs? Second, “send ‘I’ messages instead of ‘you’ messages. In other words, give feedback in the first person. Say, ‘I’m concerned that you have a temper problem vs you have a temper problem” (179). Such messages are less threatening.

Synergy is about learning to tap the power of teamwork: “Synergy is achieved when two or more people work together to create a better solution than either could alone” (182). To demonstrate the power of synergy, Covey describes geese traveling in a V formation. Such fast and efficient travel is possible through synergy.

Before we can learn to synergize, we must have the mindset that each person brings value to the team. We are all different, but difference should not be defined through a negative paradigm in which we view others with suspicion. Instead, we should celebrate our differences. Unfortunately, many people, such as “shunners” and “tolerators,” struggle to appreciate the value of difference. Shunners fear difference and will sometimes join cliques or gangs to find like-minded people to fight those who are differently minded. Tolerators put up with difference but see no value in it: “You keep to yourself and I’ll keep to myself. You do your thing and let me do mine” (185). Unlike shunners and tolerators, “celebrators” understand the value and need for diversity. They see the benefit of having different ways of looking at a problem, which allows for synergy.

Covey provides an exercise taken from the Legislator’s School in North Carolina to discover one’s characteristics and personality traits. If we want to engage effectively with others, we must become celebrators of difference and resist roadblocks to this celebration such as ignorance, cliques, and prejudice. Once you are committed to seeing the value of working with others, you can work on getting to synergy. Covey describes a five-step action plan for creating synergy.

Define the Problem or Opportunity

Their Way (Seek first to understand the ideas of others.)

My Way (Seek to be understood by sharing your ideas.)

Brainstorm (Create new options and ideas.)

High Way (Find the best solution) (196).

Covey provides explicit ways these ideas can be put into practice, while at the same time reminding readers that this is not a rigid process; some steps may even be skipped if you have a high RBA with someone. He says that his book is a result of synergy, explaining how he felt overwhelmed by the idea of writing it at first, but once he realized that it would be a team effort, it became much more manageable. He then ends the chapter pointing out that there are usually five “types” of people on teams, and they each have strengths that should be recognized. These include “plodders,” who are hard workers and dependable; “followers,” who know how to execute a leader’s plans; “innovators,” who help to create plans by sparking new ideas; “harmonizers,” who bring the group together; and “show-offs,” who bring the group needed momentum and fun.