Running With Scissors: A Memoir

The eldest Finch daughter, Kate, is unlike the rest of the family. She works as a cosmetologist and tries to lead a normal life. Augusten bonds with Kate, hoping to become a cosmetologist himself one day and open a chain of hair salons. Kate teaches him what she knows, and Augusten practices on family members. He can’t comb finger waves and is plagued by the fact that this one flaw may prevent him from achieving his dream. He writes in his journal about his fears, and feels as if his life is pathetic and chaotic. Neil comes over, begging Augusten to pay more attention to him, and Augusten feels glad that he has a power over Neil. He describes their relationship as “a seesaw relationship, and right now it was all saw” (157). Neil cries, saying how much he needs Augusten, and asks if they can have sex. This occurred once before, and not only was it painful, but Neil ignored Augusten’s requests to stop. At present, Augusten reluctantly agrees again, but it once again causes Augusten nothing but pain and discomfort. After the act is over, he tells Neil to leave, calling him a dog. Neil accuses Augusten of being a “psychopath,” ironically unaware that he is a rapist and criminal.

Dr. Finch is proud to announce that he has taken the perfect bowel movement and calls his family in to witness it. It points straight upward, and Dr. Finch is convinced that it’s God’s “way of saying that things are going to turn around” (167). He asks Hope to scoop it out and place it outside to dry as Natalie and Augusten watch, trying not to laugh. Over the coming days, Hope wins a turkey from a radio station, and Dr. Finch earns $1,000 through an insurance claim. He’s convinced that these are signs and has Hope take each of his bowel movements outside. Dr. Finch comes to rely on these “readings,” even sending out word about them to his patients. After he becomes constipated, however, he realizes that God is no longer talking to him in this way. Natalie suggests that Augusten become a writer and record all the ridiculous events that transpire at the Finch home. Augusten worries that by becoming a writer, he’ll be resigning himself to a life like his mother’s.

Augusten and Natalie both have a dream of becoming famous and important one day, and they decide to hone their skills by singing songs together. Natalie proposes that they start practicing in front of live audiences and thinks that performing at the state psychiatric hospital would be a viable first step. Augusten notes how she and her siblings grew up there before moving to their own house, as Dr. Finch lived on the hospital grounds. Natalie is thus used to the atmosphere and confidently asks the head nurse to allow her and Augusten to perform “You Light Up My Life” for the patients. A week later, the performance takes place, and Augusten tries to envision himself under a spotlight before “a hushed audience wearing expensive earrings” (181). The reality is quite different, however; one of the patients is angry about having to be there and spits on Augusten and Natalie. Natalie spits back at him.

Augusten awakes on Natalie’s floor after a night of drinking and smoking pot to find Hope at the door, concerned about her cat Freud. Hope had a dream about Freud being “eaten by a white glob” (183) and believes that the cat is trying to tell her that he’s dying. Natalie and Augusten try to tell Hope that it was a meaningless dream and eventually manage to get her back to her room to sleep, but Hope remains vigilant over Freud for days afterward. She then has another dream in which the cat tells her that he wants to die in peace, and Augusten finds her hours later lying in the basement with Freud trapped under a laundry basket. She explains that she’s keeping the cat company while it dies, and Augusten rushes up to tell Natalie. Natalie finds it hilarious and decides to take pictures of Hope lying there with the cat. Dr. Finch suggests that they leave Hope alone, and a few days later, the cat dies from starvation. Hope is convinced that it was dying of leukemia, and Augusten admits that he’s learning to be indifferent to these types of events: “I was learning that if I lived slightly in the future—what will happen next?—I didn’t have to feel so much about what was going on in the present” (191). A week later, Augusten finds Hope in the kitchen holding a shovel, frantic and in tears over having buried Freud has been buried alive. Augusten assures her that the cat can’t possibly still be alive, but she goes outside to dig it up anyway. Augusten calls Dr. Finch at the office, who convinces Hope to go take a nap instead.

Neil is visiting the Finch house and starts making fun of Hope for having no love life. When she insults him, he becomes tense and angry immediately, scaring Augusten. Neil starts graphically discussing Hope’s genitalia and mocking her. Augusten compares his need for Neil’s attention to eating too many sweets, “like there was something sick and wrong about it” (196). Neil recently wrote Augusten a 16-page letter detailing the profoundness of their love, and Augusten worries that his attachment is becoming far too intense. Looking back while writing the book, he realizes that because he was still a child at the time, he trusted Neil and wanted only to indulge as much as possible. Augusten decides to dye Neil’s hair for practice and accidentally turns it green and stiff. Neil compliments the work anyway but warns Augusten that he might need to work on his skills if he wants to do this for a living.

Dierdre’s relationship with Fern ends, and she begins dating an 18-year-old patient of Dr. Finch’s named Dorothy, who soon moves in with her. Dorothy seems to feed off the chaos that Dierdre produces, “like a movie or a newly released color of nail polish” (205), and they’re thus quite compatible. Dorothy becomes like a protective pet for Dierdre, defending her against the insults of others and insisting that she doesn’t have a mental health condition. Augusten feels relieved that someone is at least able to watch out for his mother, but Dr. Finch takes her to the psychiatric hospital a few weeks later anyway. When she comes home, she brings with her a man from the hospital named Cesar. He insists that he’s going to be Augusten’s new father, and Dierdre believes that he’s meant to be in their lives. Cesar seems heavily dependent on pills, taking several in front of Augusten during their first meeting. Augusten stays with his mother only when he becomes overwhelmed at the Finch home but ultimately feels as if he has no real home. One night, he awakes to Cesar attempting to rape him, and shoves him off immediately, locking him out of the room. Later that night, Dierdre uses Cesar to have sex with Dorothy and the next morning dismisses him from the house. Cesar has nowhere to go, so he moves to the Finch house temporarily, where he pays Natalie to have sex with him. She then dismisses him as well, and he disappears from their lives.

The mood turns dark in the Finch household as Dr. Finch loses patients and money while sinking into melancholy. Hope reacts by scratching her head constantly, at one point causing Natalie to comment on the disgusting flakes collecting on Hope’s clothes. Natalie invites Augusten to McDonald’s to get away from Hope, and there she confides that she wants to get a job and move out. They fill out applications at McDonalds and then walk around looking for anyone else who may be hiring. They smoke a joint, and both start pondering their flaws and whether they’ll ever be happy. After filling out several applications, Natalie suggests going to Smith College to brighten her spirits about the future. The campus is beautiful and soothing, and Augusten and Natalie find themselves enthralled by the nearby waterfall. Augusten suggests walking across the ledge behind the waterfall, and the experience proves cathartic and freeing. Back at home, Hope pranks Natalie and Augusten by telling them the soup she’s making contains parts of Freud that she dug up. After everyone admits their wrongs of the day, all is forgotten: “As easy as that, we were one, big, happy family again” (225).

A garage sale turns into a decision to live outside in the yard for the summer after the Finches realize that their furniture looks nice and feels comfortable outside. Augusten shifts between the Finch home and his mother’s and is currently with Dierdre. He notices a change beginning to take hold in her and fears another psychotic episode, but when he warns Dr. Finch about it, he downplays the concern. Living with his mother for so long and being her son, Augusten can sense when her mood begins to shift. He sees clues in the way she begins compulsively listening to the same song and spending hours cutting random images out of magazines.

One night, Augusten comes home to find every light in the house on and both doors wide open. Dorothy seems agitated, and Augusten finds his mother in the bathtub along with broken glass and her own blood. Augusten is horrified and looks around the house, finding tons of discarded items strewn throughout the backyard. Augusten is filled with anger, but it’s quickly replaced by numbness, and he realizes that he’s “learning to block out all emotions in order to deal with the situation” (232). He phones Hope, who promises to call her father, and then finds Dorothy and his mother in the front room. Dierdre seems casual and smug about her mental state, “like she was pleased to take this mental vacation” (233). Hope shows up to check on Dierdre, calm and poised “like a paramedic for the psychologically collapsed” (234). As they talk, Dierdre suddenly throws a saucer and cup at Augusten’s head, barely missing him. Hope calls 911, and police arrive to arrest Dierdre as Augusten watches hopelessly.