Love and Other Words

“I had friends who had stopped knowing how to talk to me. […] What was the point of a weekend retreat where I couldn’t retreat from the one truth that seemed to stall my heartbeat every few minutes?”

Macy’s main concern is trying to fit in with her peers and escape the pain of her mother’s death. Retreating from this truth proves impossible though, and instead of finding a friend who she hides her feelings from, she must confront her feelings to make friends.

“I think of her everywhere. She is everywhere, in every moment, and also, she’s in no one moment. She misses every single one of my moments and I’m not sure who that is harder for: me surviving here without her, or her without me, existing wherever she is.”

This is how Macy explains her feelings about her mother’s death. Just as her mother’s love was all-encompassing, her absence becomes all-encompassing as well. Explaining this to Elliot shows how his support allows her to access and express her deepest and most painful feelings.

“You can’t just continuously run from this conversation. […] I know I messed up, but was it that bad? So bad you just vanished?”

This statement from Elliot hints at what happened between Elliot and Macy 11 years ago. The fact that Elliot is asking this question shows that he believes that problems can be solved and people can reconcile after a rupture. This contrasts with Macy’s reaction, which was to simply cut Elliot out of her life.

“I miss her so much I need a new language for it.”

This quote from Macy ties together several of the themes of the book. Macy demonstrates how difficult it is for her to express her grief about her mother’s death and correlates with the exploration of the power of words. Elliot helps Macy discover new ways of expressing herself throughout the book.

“No one here understands that I just wanted to be another girl at school not the kid whose mom died and who needs to be treated like she can break.”

Macy expresses her desire to fit in. She may mean this in two ways, both that she wants to be perceived as a normal girl and that she wants to be normal. She doesn’t want to be so easy to break, nor does she want to be perceived that way. Elliot helps her talk about her mother’s death but also treats her as a full person who is defined by more than her grief.

“Anxiety and thrill hit me in a blast: I was entering a boy’s bedroom.”

Macy meets Elliot when she is 13. Through her relationship with him, she learns about the opposite sex in general as well as him in particular. It adds to her excitement in getting to know him better.

“‘Did I tell you that I have my mom’s hair?’ I said. He shook his head but gave me a real smile. ‘I think you have the prettiest hair I’ve ever seen.’”

This is another instance of Macy opening up to Elliot about her mother. Later, Macy will say it was hard to look in the mirror and see the younger version of Laís. Elliot responds positively, giving her a safe place to express herself.

“It makes me wonder if our individual heartaches are silently duking this out from inside our bodies.”

Macy thinks this as she sits across the table from Elliot after they have reconnected. She knows that both she and Elliot suffered after their breakup, yet she remains reluctant to make amends. This demonstrates that Macy is more concerned with protecting her heart than with falling in love with Elliot again.

“Treat your body carefully. Take care of it. Don’t let anyone abuse it, and don’t abuse it yourself. Every inch of your skin I made diligently; months I slaved over you. You are my masterpiece.”

This is Macy’s mother’s advice to her upon her getting her period. Though Macy’s mom is already dead, she left Duncan with instructions on how to raise her, and she left Macy with letters to read at certain stages in her life. Reading this letter makes Macy cry, igniting feelings of both love and loss. It teaches her to respect herself as a way of honoring her mother, feeding into the theme that relationships, open communication, and expressions of affection help people heal and grow.

“‘I guess we’re too young for that.’

I nodded and tried to swallow, but my mouth had gone dry. ‘Yeah.’”

This is the first instance where Elliot hints at his feelings for Macy. They both have the same feeling but aren’t willing to admit it yet. They blame the avoidance on their age, not their lack of feeling for one another.

“It’s a perfect description. I never got to fall out of love. I just had to move on.”

Sean says this about his ex-wife, Ashley, and Macy says it is a perfect description of how she feels about Elliot. Macy demonstrates that love can last for years after a relationship has ended, and without closure or “falling out of love” it may never die. It also calls into question whether Macy has truly moved on or if she is even capable of doing so.

“I can barely trust a single feeling I have.”

This quote summarizes one of Macy’s key characteristics. She is aware of her feelings for Elliot, but she doesn’t trust them. This leads to her running away from her feelings or failing to fully commit to what she wants.

“‘Sean, this is Elliot,’ I say, adding inexplicably, ‘my oldest friend.’ […]

Sean smiles easily and winks at me. ‘I thought I was your oldest friend?’”

This has a double meaning. Elliot is the person that Macy has known the longest, which is why she calls him her “oldest friend.” Sean is Macy’s fiancé, but they have known one another for less than a year. When he says he is her oldest friend he is referring to his age. He is at least 13 years older than Macy but lacks true experience of living a life with her. This line throws the two men’s familiarity with Macy into contrast.

“‘Elliot,’ he called out, ignoring me. ‘Bring your girlfriend up to meet your other girlfriend.’”

Elliot’s brother makes this joke when Macy and Emma meet. At several points in the novel, Macy questions Elliot’s truthfulness about his experiences with other girls. Elliot’s brother Andreas exacerbates Macy’s doubts and confusion by calling Emma Elliot’s other girlfriend. It may be funny to them, but it confuses Macy.

“‘Doing that might not mean anything to Emma,’ I said, touching my lips where they tingled. ‘But it means everything to me.’”

This is a significant line coming from Macy after she kisses Elliot for the first time. She admits her feelings for Elliot rather than running from them. She says that physical intimacy is deeply meaningful to her in a way it might not be to Emma.

“Admissions lead to love, and admitting love is like tying yourself to a train track.”

This succinctly expresses the book’s depiction of romantic love and the main character’s anxiety over self-disclosure. Macy knows that if she reveals personal information about herself, she will fall in love with Elliot, and that love can put her in danger of loss and emotional wreckage.

“I sighed, chewed my lip, fidgeted. ‘Why can’t everyone be like you?’

‘I can be enough of your world that it feels like everyone is.’”

Macy is looking for all-encompassing love. This exchange between her and Elliot demonstrates that Elliot wants to be this for her. He says this both for her sake and his. He wants to be her world, and he believes this is what she wants too.

“‘Limerence.’ There’s no other word like it: The state of being infatuated with another person.”

Macy says this to Elliot as she starts realizing her feelings for him. She says it is her favorite word. There is no other word for this feeling, but there is also no other feeling like this. Macy is insinuating that this is her favorite feeling as well as her favorite word. It is a coded way for her to reveal that she is feeling this for Elliot.

“I didn’t want to lose a single precious bit of him.”

Macy says this as she and Elliot begin to explore their romantic feelings for one another. Her need to take things slow with Elliot is not a sign of her lack of interest in him. It is a sign of her enjoyment of him and her need to protect the sanctity of their friendship.

“‘You’re both young, but…if he is that person for you,’ Dad continued, ‘you won’t be able to just be friends. You’ll want to give him everything, to show him every way you love him.’”

Macy has been keeping Elliot at arm’s length for most of the story, hoping that by staying just friends, she will be able to avoid the more complicated challenges of a romantic commitment. When Macy’s dad says this to her, it clarifies that her tactic is impossible. She must commit to Elliot fully or not at all. Ironically, she realizes this before she witnesses his betrayal, and it takes her 11 years to fully embrace the truth of her father’s words.

“It goes so much deeper than this, but even though these details seem tiny now, I know it’s where we have to start.”

This is what Macy says before she and Elliot finally discuss what happened on New Year’s Eve 11 years ago. Macy says the details seem tiny now, indicating that the passage of time has changed the magnitude of what happened. The interval and the way she and Elliot have reconnected in the “now” timeline have allowed them to gain perspective, heal from their hurt, and rebuild some trust between them. Just as Macy needed time to establish trust with Elliot before opening up to him about her mom, she also needed time to reestablish a relationship with him before opening up about her dad.

“Are you with Mom? […] Does she remember me? […] Do either of you remember you had a daughter?”

This is what Macy says to herself, to the memory of her father, and unintentionally to Elliot when she reenters the weekend house for the first time in a decade. She expresses her feelings of abandonment, worrying that her parents, in addition to being gone, have also completely forgotten her. Admitting this feeling is a step Macy takes toward confronting the grief she has been numb to for the past 11 years.

“I’ve been waiting for you to come home for eleven years. I’ll go anywhere you go.”

This signals the end of the main conflict after 11 years. Elliot and Macy will finally move in together. As is typical, Elliot does not doubt his feelings or his commitment, and he’s making that plain to Macy.