It's Not Summer Without You

Belly recalls her family’s old routine of packing up for Cousins, every summer, as soon as school let out. She mourns that on their last night there, Belly, Conrad, and Jeremiah promised each other that they would always come back, even after Susannah died. Belly reflects, “It’s scary how easy promises were broken. Just like that” (9).

This reflection shifts the narrative to the end of the previous summer, after Belly and Conrad kissed for the first time. When they return home in August, Belly starting her junior year of high school and Conrad starting college at Brown, she waits to hear from him again, wondering the whole time what their kiss means for their relationship. Belly hears how college is going for Conrad through her mother, until finally, three weeks later, Conrad calls Belly. They begin talking every night, and he even drives three and a half hours to see her on occasion. Belly and Conrad understand each other and support one another through the last months of Susannah’s sickness. Despite their connection, Belly admits, she and Conrad never define the relationship, even after they drive back to the Cousins Beach house alone together one night in December.

The narrative shifts back to the present day. Belly thinks about how perfect that night was, “the kind of night worth waiting for” (12), and how she is glad they had that one perfect night, because their relationship is over by May.

Belly leaves Marcy’s early and goes home, enjoying the quiet house while Steven is at work and her mother is locked in her office. Taylor comes over that evening and frustrates Belly when she pushes her to kiss Cory at the party that night in order to get over Conrad.

Belly knocks on her mother’s office door and tells her that she is going to the party with Taylor. Before she died, Susannah made Laurel the executor of her will, and Laurel has spent much of her time sorting through the paperwork and rarely leaving her office. Belly asks if her mother has eaten anything, but Laurel says she will make herself something later. Belly makes her mother a sandwich and leaves it on the counter.

At the party, Belly leaves Taylor with her boyfriend and finds a quiet place to be alone. She lies down on the empty trampoline, trying to count stars and wondering how long she has to stay there before she can leave. Before long, Cory jumps up on the trampoline with Belly and asks whether she is still dating the guy she brought to prom. She says that she and Conrad broke up, but when Cory tries to ask her out, Belly jumps up, exclaiming that she has to go to the bathroom.

Running off, she finds Taylor and asks her whether she encouraged Cory to ask her out. Taylor claims she was just trying to help take Belly’s mind off things since Belly’s attitude is getting “old,” adding, “You’ve been moping around for months. It’s not healthy” (24). Taylor also says that Belly is not upset just about Susannah’s death but about Conrad as well, which angers Belly even though she knows Taylor is right.

When Belly gets home from the party, she sees the sandwich left untouched on the counter. Her mother’s light is still on, but Belly walks past it and gets ready for bed. Lying in bed, Belly thinks, “So this is what life is like now. Without Susannah, without the boys” (26), and reflects on how she has survived the two months since Susannah’s death. She tells herself she can try to let go of the past to make things easier, but when she falls asleep, she dreams of Susannah and Cousins Beach.

In a chapter written from Jeremiah’s perspective, he reflects on how unnerving it is to see his father cry. Jeremiah thinks back to the day his mother died, in the morning. That night he and Conrad are alone together in the house for the first time in days while their father and Laurel make arrangements at the funeral home.

Jeremiah eats and tries to make conversation with Conrad. Jeremiah asks about what is going to happen the next day, after the funeral, and Conrad gives noncommittal answers before going upstairs. Jeremiah cleans the kitchen and goes upstairs as well, wanting to talk to Conrad. He stops outside his door and hears Conrad sobbing inside. Knowing that Conrad wants to be left alone, Jeremiah goes to his own room and cries.

The narrative shifts back to the day Susannah died. Her mother tells her, calling Susannah by her nickname, “Beck’s gone” (30). Belly thinks, “This, this [is] heartbreak [...] You think you know love, you think you know real pain, but you don’t. You don’t know anything” (30-31). Belly and Steven drive up together for the funeral two days later. Belly wants to call Conrad and Jeremiah but does not know what to say, not wanting to speak about Susannah’s death aloud and thus make it real.

At the funeral, Belly hugs Jeremiah awkwardly and squeezes Conrad’s shoulder, telling them both how sorry she is. Conrad barely registers her presence, and Belly tells herself that she is going to be by Conrad’s side all day as “a tower of strength, just like [her] mother” (34). At the Fishers’ house, Jeremiah, Steven, and Belly go to Jeremiah’s room. Belly asks where Conrad is, but Jeremiah says he wants to be alone for a while. Belly offers to go downstairs to get food, and she sees her mother, who tells her to make a plate of food for Conrad and bring it to him in the basement.

In the basement, Belly finds Conrad lying on the couch, his head in the lap of his ex-girlfriend, Aubrey. Conrad asks if the food is for them, and Belly passes them the plate, backing slowly out of the room and then running up the stairs. Conrad catches up with her and grabs her arm, telling her to wait. Belly apologizes for ruining Conrad’s “little moment” (40), and Conrad tells her to grow up. Before she can stop herself, Belly tells Conrad to “go to hell” (40). Conrad says that he knew it was a mistake to get involved with Belly because of her immaturity, and Belly tells Conrad she hates him and never wants to see him again before running upstairs.

Belly shuts herself in the guest room to cry, and her father comes in, asking if she and Conrad have broken up. Belly asks to be left alone and declines her father’s offer to have Laurel come up and speak with her. After her father leaves, Belly thinks about how the only person she wants to talk to is Susannah, and the reality of her death sinks in.

Belly receives an early phone call from Jeremiah, who tells her that Conrad left summer school. Jeremiah asks Belly to help him find Conrad, and she agrees immediately, thinking that this could be her opportunity to “make things right with Conrad” after the things she said to him at Susannah’s funeral (46).

Belly begins packing. She makes up a story to tell her mother, and Laurel says, “Try and be home tomorrow night” (47). Belly debates whether she should tell her mother the truth, knowing Laurel will want to help, but decides against it. After Susannah’s death, Laurel “went on autopilot, doing what needed doing. Barely present” (47). Belly struggles to be near her mother now because her presence reminds her of Susannah’s death and how nothing will ever be the same. As Belly drives away, she feels a sense of relief.

Belly drives to Taylor’s house, where she’s asked Jeremiah to pick her up. Taylor tries to convince Belly not to go looking for Conrad, considering they are not together anymore. Taylor calls Conrad “basically a crazy person” but finally relents (50), saying that it will be good for Belly to see Conrad again and get closure on the relationship.

Taylor makes Belly promise to be back by tomorrow night so they can fulfill their Fourth of July plans to go out on her boyfriend’s parents’ boat. Belly is noncommittal at first, but Taylor presses, saying that they need to make memories together before they leave for college next year. Taylor also insists on repacking Belly’s bag for her; she takes it into her closet and hands it back to Belly without showing her the contents.

Jeremiah arrives, and as he puts her bag in the car, Taylor grabs Belly and makes her promise to call her when they find Conrad, calling her by an old nickname, “Cinderbelly.” Belly feels a rush of nostalgic affection for her best friend. As Jeremiah and Belly drive away, Jeremiah says that he hopes he will have her back by tonight, and Belly feels silly for packing an overnight bag. The two begin their drive in silence.

The narrative shifts to Jeremiah recalling the previous summer, when “everything changed” (57). He waits for the arrival of Belly’s family and is struck when he sees how much Belly has grown over the last year. He notices new details about his oldest friend, such as her bra strap and the way her hair moves. He is relieved when he greets her, and things feel exactly how they always have.

Jeremiah experiences a “game-changing moment” (59) with Belly when they are outside by the pool and Conrad comes by. Instantly, Belly’s persona changes: She becomes shy and flustered, her crush on Conrad evident. Conrad pulls on her ponytail and takes her inside to get a soda, inciting a flame of jealousy in Jeremiah. Jeremiah wants Belly to look at him the way she looks at Conrad, and he is angry at Conrad for suddenly taking an interest in Belly after all these years. Jeremiah realizes that he might be in love with Belly.

Despite his feelings for her, Jeremiah is also angry with Belly for barely reaching out to him after Susannah died. He is so upset with her that he almost did not call her to help him find Conrad. Now, with Belly in his car, Jeremiah’s anger subsides as he inhales her scent and sits close to her. He thinks about how all he wants to do is kiss her so that she might finally forget about Conrad.

Jeremiah says he has no idea where to begin looking for Conrad because they have not spoken in a while. Belly does not know either, as, similarly, she and Conrad have not spoken since May. She suggests they start at Brown.

They fall back into an awkward silence; normally, she and Jeremiah never run out of things to say to each other. Jeremiah finally tells Belly that he saw Susannah’s hospice nurse, Nona, last week. The mention of Nona brings up memories of Susannah’s final days for Belly.

The narrative shifts back to the end of Susannah’s illness, when she became very sick again, a regression Belly wasn’t told about at first. Scared of visiting Susannah because “seeing her like that made it real” (66), Belly tries to get out of it, but Laurel insists.

When Belly arrives at Susannah’s house, Laurel tells her that Conrad is not there, and Belly resolves to not ask Susannah about Conrad at all during the visit. Laurel warns Belly that Susannah does not look good but is excited to see her. Laurel stays out on the porch with Nona as Belly goes inside to sit with Susannah in the living room.

Susannah reiterates that Belly should not be worried about running into Conrad, who is not home that weekend. Susannah says she is sorry that prom did not go “as well as we’d hoped” (68), and Belly tells Susannah that Conrad broke up with her. Susannah asks Belly not to hate Conrad and explains that he is having an especially hard time coping with Susannah’s illness. She urges Belly, “Don’t let him push you away. He needs you. He loves you, you know” (69), and asks her to promise to look out for Conrad.

Susannah takes a nap in the afternoon, and Belly is disturbed to see how irritable she is when she wakes up, snapping at Laurel. Jeremiah comes home for dinner, and when Belly greets him, he is standoffish, giving her only a quick half hug and saying, “Oh, hey. How are you?” (70). Jeremiah jokes with Laurel and Nona, but Belly can see the toll Susannah’s illness is taking on him, robbing him of his usually light demeanor.