It's Not Summer Without You

As Conrad works, Belly receives a call from Taylor. She dismisses the call but wonders if Taylor is calling to keep yelling at her or to apologize. Belly realizes that she has forgotten all “about Taylor and everything from back home,” thinking, “What mattered to me was here. It had always been that way” (249). Still, Belly feels hurt by what Taylor said and unsure whether she can forgive her friend.

Night approaches, and Jeremiah offers his car to Belly so she can go home. Belly is hurt, feeling that Jeremiah wants her to leave. She asks teasingly if he is worried about getting in trouble with Mara, and he reiterates that he and Mara are done. Belly realizes she is hurt that Jeremiah didn’t tell her he had a girlfriend when they are supposed to be so close. When she is quiet, Jeremiah asks her not to be mad—he and Mara were not that serious. Jeremiah begins to say that Conrad and his ex-girlfriend, Aubrey, were far more serious, but cuts himself off. Belly, thinking how she has loved Conrad “longer and truer than [she has] anyone in [her] whole life” (251), almost feels relieved when she realizes she will probably never love someone that much again.

When Belly wakes the next morning she immediately goes to the window, thinking, “Who knew how many more times I would see this view?” (252). Downstairs, she finds Conrad already awake and at the table, taking notes. He says that he is ready, and Belly knows that he will pass his exams.

As they prepare to leave, Conrad and Jeremiah do one last Belly Flop with her, an old tradition they have of grabbing her by the wrists and ankles and throwing her into the pool. Belly protests, but they do it anyway, and she has to change into one of her remaining outfits—a sundress from Taylor.

They decide to take one car so that Conrad can continue studying in the back seat. Belly and Jeremiah sit in front, singing along to the radio and goofing around with each other. At a rest stop, Belly gets her and Jeremiah’s favorite slushy flavor—half Coke and half cherry. Jeremiah refers to it as “your specialty” when he recognizes the flavor (256).

When Conrad asks where his is, Belly reminds him that he was asleep when she went into the service center. He takes a sip of hers and comments, “I thought your specialty was cocoa” (256), a reference to the night they spent together at the Cousins Beach house in December. Belly is shocked that Conrad remembered not only her comment from months earlier but the night they spent together.

While they wait for Conrad to finish his exams, Jeremiah asks Belly why she never came to see him after Susannah died. Belly struggles to admit, even to herself, that she did not want to be reminded of Susannah by being near the house. She realizes that while Jeremiah has been there for everyone, no one was there for him. Jeremiah says that as much as he wants to talk about Susannah, he feels he has no one to talk to: “We all love her, and nobody can talk about her” (258). Jeremiah asks if she plans to come back to Cousins this summer, adding that, despite what his father said, the house belongs to all of them. Belly fights the urge to reach out and touch Jeremiah’s cheek to indicate how much that means to her.

Conrad appears, announcing that he passed his exam. He lifts Belly up and carries her around the lawn, and though she yells for him to put her down, she realizes this is the first time she has seen him happy since Susannah died. Conrad sets Belly down, his hand still on her waist, and thanks her for her help in getting him back to school.

When Conrad leaves to take his last exam, Jeremiah tosses Belly the keys, telling her he will meet her at the car. She senses that something is off with him. In the car, they sit quietly until Belly asks, “Does he ever talk about me? I mean, has he ever said anything?” (261). Jeremiah snaps at her, telling her not to ask about Conrad. Belly, shocked at his reaction, asks what is wrong, and suddenly Jeremiah pulls Belly close to him and kisses her.

She is surprised, but then she begins to kiss him back, thinking: “This was what people meant when they said the earth stopped turning. It felt like a world outside of that car, that moment, didn’t exist. It was just us” (261). Conrad arrives at the car, horrified to find Jeremiah and Belly kissing. He leaves, Belly calling after him to wait. When she catches up with him, Conrad looks at her with hatred in his eyes. Belly realizes that as much as his look hurts, part of her wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt her. Conrad sees that Belly is wearing the infinity-symbol necklace and asks why she is wearing it if she likes Jeremiah.

Belly tries to explain that she found the necklace and that it does not mean anything, but Conrad says, “You know what it means” (263). Belly admits, only to herself, that she does know the necklace means he loves her—but realizes that his inability to show her or tell her that he loves her is no longer enough. She unclasps the necklace and gives it back to Conrad, who, surprised, yells at her to leave, saying: “Go to Jeremiah. He’s the one who wants you [...] I don’t. I never did” (264). Belly runs away.

Belly walks around for a while, unwilling to go back to the car just yet and mulling over everything that just happened. When she does eventually return, they make their way home in silence. Belly feels overwhelmed, wondering, “What would Susannah say if she saw the mess we were in now? She would have been so disappointed in me” (266). It begins to rain, then hail, and then the highway closes. They decide to stay at a motel overnight, though Conrad argues they should just wait out the storm. When Belly updates her mother, Laurel offers to pick her up, but she declines, though part of her wants nothing more.

Belly takes her time getting ready for bed in the bathroom, and when she emerges she sees Conrad and Jeremiah on opposite ends of the floor, each with a pillow and blanket. Belly offers the bed to them, but Jeremiah insists she take it. She tries to remember the last time they all slept in the same room, which was when they were younger and camped out on the beach. Belly only got to join after she begged and Laurel made the boys include her. She wishes Steven were here now, but she resigns herself to the fact that “everything ha[s] changed and [they can] never go back to the way things used to be” (270).

When Jeremiah, always a good sleeper, begins to snore, Conrad says quietly, “Earlier, when I said I never wanted you. I didn’t mean it [...] I didn’t mean it” (270). Belly is too shocked to speak; Conrad wishes her goodnight and does not speak again. She lies awake, wondering if he means that he finally wants to be with her. But then she envisions Jeremiah’s face and admits that she wanted and needed him when they kissed in the car. She wonders if Jeremiah would even still want to be with her after tonight. Belly does not sleep, too wrapped up in her thoughts about the boys she loves.

The next morning, Conrad announces that Jeremiah will take Belly home while a friend takes Conrad back to his car at Cousins Beach. Belly and Conrad stand there looking at each other, saying nothing, and Belly realizes that whatever they are, they are over. She feels heartbroken, realizing, “I will never look at you in the same way ever again. I’ll never be that girl again. The girl who comes running back every time you push her away, the girl who loves you anyway” (273). Belly wonders if this is why she came on the trip after all: to say goodbye to Conrad.

Belly agrees to the plan, and when she says goodbye, she feels the satisfaction of being the one to leave first, for once.

On the drive home, Jeremiah is still quiet and distant with Belly until she asks why he hasn’t said anything about what happened between them. Jeremiah begins to speak but then stops and shakes his head. Belly reaches over and grabs his hand, expecting him to pull away, but he does not, and they hold hands the rest of the way home. 

A few years later, Belly says that when she used to picture her future, it was always with the same boy: “[Her] future was set. A sure thing” (277). Now, her life is not anything like how she pictured it. Instead, she is in a white dress, running toward a car in the pouring rain. The man running ahead of her opens the passenger door for her. The man asks Belly if she is sure, and she says no but gets in anyway. She feels that while her future is still uncertain, “it’s still [hers]” (277).