In an Instant

“Rocky waters have reached squall levels at home. Between my parents’ constant fighting; the growing problems with my brother, Oz; Chloe’s frequent acts of rebellion that seem specifically targeted at pissing off my mom; and my own recent screwups, I think I spend more time at Mo’s house these days than my own. Like an active volcano, five minutes together inevitably triggers some sort of eruption, and three days together is going to be like tempting Mount Vesuvius to blow.”

Just as Redfearn sets a strong tone of tension at the novel’s outset, she also establishes fraught internal and external conflict among the characters. The author will continue to develop this conflict during and after the fatal car accident they experience during their trip. The parallel between the weather and the dynamics within the family foreshadows the disaster to come.

“It’s shocking yet entirely natural. Like birth, I think. I do not remember being born, the pain entering the world, yet I knew to breathe, to suckle, to cry. Death is a lot like that—I have no recollection of the exact experience, the trauma of dying, but my understanding of this new state is innate. A bit difficult to accept and slightly unbelievable, but intuitively I recognize that I am dead and that my body is no longer part of me.”

This passage describes the moment Finn dies in the accident and signifies her separation of consciousness from body. Because Finn is dead and can move among her loved ones more easily, she becomes a more reliable narrator and can see more interaction among the characters. Finn’s new perspective as a narrator foreshadows the changes to come in her perspective as a character.

“No, I scream. It’s Mo’s turn. She is the next CHILD. My hate for Aunt Karen is instant and overwhelming. Of all the things she has done or not done since the accident, this is the one that pisses me off the most.”

Finn’s death forces her to watch her friends and family suffer without any means of alleviating it. This passage also demonstrates the growing conflict between the Miller and Gold family and exemplifies the novel’s motif of false appearances.

“But I know that even if she could hear me, it wouldn’t matter. Regret is a tough emotion to live with, impossible to move on from, because what’s done is done. Only delusion can protect you from it, somehow altering history into something easier to accept, and my mom is not capable of delusion.”

Much of the novel focuses on regret and guilt as the characters process and heal from the accident. Finn sees how each character handles and responds to the growing tragedy, and she likewise feels her own sense of regret and guilt now that she is dead and can do nothing to change it. These lines help establish the theme of Betrayal and Forgiveness by making clear the profoundly detrimental effect of unresolved regret.

“If I were a good person, I would be happy that they are not seriously injured, that their fingers and toes and ribs and lungs and legs are fine. But at the moment, I am not a good person. I am an angry spirit who is dead and whose family and best friend are suffering, and I hate that the three of them are so damn fine.”

This passage demonstrates Finn’s anger toward the Gold family. She feels guilty for this anger, yet her reaction shows her loyalty and love for her family and Mo. Finn’s anger also demonstrates her wider understanding of the events after the accident.

“I was supposed to be having the time of my life, flying down the mountain, whipping past Mo on the bunny slope, racing Vance, riding the lifts with my dad, all while taking the day, the fun, and the moment for granted, the way every mortal does.”

Like the other characters involved in the accident, Finn feels regret. Her regret, however, is compounded by her death—while the other characters, who are remain alive, have time to address their regrets, Finn’s time is up. By tapping into Finn’s sense of loss, Redfearn reminds readers that life is short and can change instantly.

“But when I look at Maureen’s toes and I think of the cold, I can’t help but also think of Natalie and wonder why my daughter’s toes are so black while your daughter’s are not. And I think, if it is luck, then luck is cruel and unfair. Both of them were in that camper, both of them cold and scared, both wore boots that did not protect them, and yet only my daughter is in danger of losing her toes, and it is hard for me to understand why your daughter was so lucky and mine was not.”

Mrs. Kaminiski’s statement references the idea of luck and fairness in how the accident affected each character differently. Her statement also incriminates Karen and Bob, who cared more for their daughter than anyone else.

“Mrs. Kaminski is not meek, and Aunt Karen is not caring and generous, though if you ask a thousand people who know them, almost all would disagree.”

One of the novel’s key motifs is false appearances, and Mrs. Kaminski and Karen are two examples. This passage also connects with the Prologue, where Finn mentions that everyone thinks Mo’s mom is “crazy” for her paranoia, but Finn knows differently. This motif speaks to the importance of brutal honesty and sincerity in obtaining or offering meaningful forgiveness.

“Constantly their consciences roar, should-haves and could-haves blaring in their brains. They cannot bear how they see themselves now—the reflections too clear, too unflattering, too brutal and honest—and I realize we are not meant to see ourselves so plainly, without the guise of ego and ignorance, not meant to have our true characters revealed.”

Related to the novel’s focus on false appearances, Redfearn forces her characters to face their true nature. This exposure of their personalities and ethical choices is at least as traumatizing as the accident itself. In the end, some characters—namely the Golds—cannot handle that they are not the people they thought they were or projected themselves as.

“Her eyes are dry and her expression unreadable. She will not cry, not here in front of all these people. Only I know that this morning she sobbed uncontrollably, ghastly grief so violent I was afraid she would pass out and the sheets clenched so tight I was certain they would tear. No one here knows that. To them, she looks like an ice queen, expressionless as she waits for the service to begin for the unfathomable task of burying her daughter.”

Ann is a very strong character who seems stoic and unapproachable. Finn’s ability to observe her mom while she’s alone exposes her mother’s deep grief regarding the loss of two of her children. This dichotomy adds complexity to Ann’s character, forcing readers to question how they would behave if they had to attend their child’s funeral.

“And only when she goes to the restroom after third period and is alone in a stall does she pull her feet up on the toilet and put her head against her knees, resting from the toll it takes to pretend she’s exactly who she was and to survive without me, the one person she was always able to be exactly who she was with.”

Redfearn portrays Mo as a very popular, beautiful, and mature character with everything going for her. Mo’s grief changes her behavior and how she interacts with others. Mo feels she must look and act like she did before the accident, as some other characters do. Mo’s struggle reflects the motif of false appearances and ties into the novel’s exploration of forgiveness, specifically in the context of forgiving yourself.

“I hate this part of being dead but still here. I know things, but there’s nothing I can do about them. My only ability is a fuzzy conduit to the sleeping unconscious: an ability that freaks people out so badly and registers in such fragmented garble that I don’t want to use it.”

Several weeks after her death, Finn is still trying to adjust to her difficult position of having to watch her loved ones suffer with no way to help, support, or encourage them. She misses many things she’ll never be able to enjoy again—such as the smell of the ocean—and steadily comes to terms with her inability to do anything to help those she loves. While Finn’s death allows her the chance to see her loved ones from a new perspective, this new perspective is a marker that she is no longer human; part of being human, the novel suggests, is navigating relationships with that limited perspective.

“Perhaps this is one of the things I like most about this perspective: my ability to view things more plainly than I did before, to see a tissue rose as brighter and more beautiful than I would have when I was alive.”

Redfearn’s use of Finn as a fly-on-the-wall character provides an omniscient narrator through the specific lens of a Miller family member. Finn seeing each character in their most natural and relaxed state is made more powerful by Finn’s awareness of her limited perspective during life. Redfearn thereby incorporates more complexity and nuance into each character’s healing process.

“‘Hey, Aub,’ Mo says, her face transforming into a mask of the perfect, well-adjusted teenager, exactly who Aubrey expects her to be, and Chloe transforms back into the damaged, dysfunctional teenager who is suddenly barely able to take a step without nearly collapsing, exactly who Aubrey expects her to be.”

This passage is another example of the motif of false appearances. Mo appears as if the accident and losing Finn haven’t changed who she is and how she acts. Likewise, Chloe maintains the appearance of a victim until she’s alone or with Mo. Other characters also put on an act to hide their trauma, which prevents all of them from healing and moving on.

“Maybe it’s because he was in the back and did not see the deer or experience looking through the windshield as we tumbled over the edge. Strange how each perspective is so different, eleven entirely separate points of view.”

When Jack and Vance stand in the road where the accident occurred, Finn wonders why Vance isn’t bothered by being back there. Finn realizes that his perspective during the accident was unique—Vance didn’t see the deer or watch the world tumble around him. This realization reflects Finn’s broader realization that perspective powerfully shapes people’s behavior and decision-making.

“Can I blame Karen for her cowardice? For being selfish because she was scared? Are we born with our strength? If so, then should we condemn those who don’t have it? I watch her shuffle into the kitchen, where she pulls the knobs from the stove so she can scrub them in the sink, and I decide I do not feel sorry for her. Fear is not an excuse. My mom was scared. Kyle was scared. Mo was terrified. Because of Karen, Oz is dead.”

Finn thinks about how Karen’s fear drove Bob to send Oz away, as Bob felt the need to protect his family from someone seemingly dangerous. Finn understands Karen’s fear and appreciates her desire to keep her family safe. However, Finn recognizes that everyone in her family, to varying degrees, fought to overcome their fear.

“Chloe shrugs. ‘Like you said, none of us know the whole story. We each only know our parts and from our perspective. And I bet the part we don’t know about my mom’s story is the part that has her racing through the streets like a madwoman and pretending she only ever had two children instead of four and avoiding mirrors like that’s where the devil that chases her lives.’”

Chloe continues the novel’s discussion of perspective and how it influences the characters’ choices. In this moment, she helps Mo understand that something about the accident has deeply affected Ann, albeit something that she and Mo likely did not observe during the experience. This observation, in turn, speaks to the complexity of trauma and the importance of acknowledging differing perspectives in the context of forgiveness.

“When they heard a story of cowardice or cruelty, they would have shaken their heads and tsked and thought, Never, not me, unaware that at any given moment, all of us are capable of doing what we least expect, them included. It is easy to sit in judgment after the fact. What those who judge don’t realize is that, odds are, if they were put in the same situation as Bob or Karen or Vance, that condescending righteousness would freeze its ass off before the sun set.”

As Finn watches Mo and Burns discuss the accident, she reflects on how people often turn out to be different from how they perceive themselves. Likewise, Finn realizes that people often think they will or won’t react to stressful situations, yet no one truly knows what they’ll do until they’re in that situation.

“‘He screwed up,’ my mom says, not intimidated in the least by his bluster. ‘Just like I screwed up and you screwed up.’ She thumbs her hand at Vance. ‘And he screwed up. And Chloe screwed up. We all screwed up, and you don’t get to blame me or ditch me because of it.’”

Ann’s statement to Jack at the cabin demonstrates that she’s ready to heal herself and their marriage. This statement reflects Ann’s realization of her own humanity and that of the other characters. Each character faced impossible decisions during the accident’s immediate aftermath; The Struggle Between Ethics and Survival emerged suddenly and with great intensity. Given the nature of the situation, no single person is to blame, and no one can condemn anyone else.

“‘I thought we were going to have to send out a search party,’ Aubrey says as they walk in, causing everyone except Ben to freeze at her choice of words. Aubrey is completely oblivious or does an amazing job pretending to be. ‘Can you believe our wedding is in five weeks?’ she says, and again, miraculously, her normalcy resets the balance.”

Throughout the novel, Aubrey’s wedding distracts from the conflict within the Miller family, especially after the accident. Aubrey is also the only person in the family who seems unaffected by the accident, including the death of her brother and sister. The symbol of her wedding, which reflects Aubrey’s own capacity to manage her emotions in front of her family, represents the way in which life goes on even after a profound change in the structure of a family.

“I like him very much from this perspective. ‘When you die, you die,’ he says. ‘That’s sad,’ she says, relaxing against him as he kisses her hair. ‘More sad than existing in a world apart from everyone you left behind?’”

Aubrey and Ben discuss their beliefs on life after death in this passage. Ironically, Ben’s response unknowingly taps into Finn’s experience of being caught between the living world and the world beyond it. While Finn appreciates the perspective she has gained, she also suffers watching her family move on without her.

“‘Not in a bad way,’ Vance goes on quickly. ‘But in the way that he didn’t go to college, bummed around awhile, didn’t follow a clear path, but somehow still did it right, still ended up with your mom and having a family. That’s why I said I wish I could do it over. Not because I want the accident to happen again—I would never want that. But because I know I’d do better, be more like your dad.’”

By kidnapping Vance and forcing him to help search for Oz, Jack has forced Vance to gain control of his drug addiction. In this moment, Vance shows his new perspective to Chloe; Vance can now appreciate Jack’s strength and ability. Vance’s new awareness, in turn, affects Chloe’s perspective, granting her a new way of viewing her father that will ultimately strengthen their relationship too.

“Between sets, his eyes roam the remnants as he forces himself to remember us and refuses to let us go, a self-flagellation worthy of a saint or a devil. And as I watch, I wonder if my mom wasn’t right to throw it all away. This place is like quicksand, and each time my dad is here, it pulls him down, drowns him, and stops him from moving on.”

The novel demonstrates the various ways the characters cope with and overcome trauma. Unlike Ann, Jack forces himself to remember his children, but this effort also prolongs his suffering. For Jack, Healing Family Trauma and Conflict necessitates giving away his dead children’s belongings; this physical act represents Jack’s ability to let go emotionally, allowing him to find peace and, in turn, assist in setting Finn free.