Hijab Butch Blues: A Memoir

At 32 years old, Lamya reread Surah Yusuf (Joseph). She was in the middle of reading the entire Quran with her friend Manal. They read sections of it every week along with a new “progressive” tafsir (commentary) and discussed it. They’d been doing this for two years when they reached Surah Yusuf. Their discussions about scripture also led to discussions about their lives and deepened their friendship. They were excited to finally reach the story of Yusuf.

Lamya describes Yusuf’s story. As a boy, Yusuf has a dream that his father takes to mean that Yusuf is a prophet. Over the years, his father favors Yusuf over his 10 older brothers, which makes them jealous. They throw Yusuf into a well, leave him for dead, and tell their father that Yusuf has died.

Lamya felt outraged at what Yusuf’s brothers had done to him. She argued that the story was about living with trauma and being abandoned. Manal said that the tafsir says that the story is about “love.” Manal suggested that perhaps the message is about “healing through love” (218).

Lamya recalls her first memory of her father leaving when she was four years old. Her second memory is of arriving in a new country with the rest of her family. She describes her home in the new country, which is bigger and has more air conditioning but is also a place where she felt isolated. She was forced to spend more time with her immediate family there because her mother was not allowed to drive and they had no family nearby. As a child, Lamya felt that her mother loved her brother more than her. She struggled to keep friends at school because they were the children of immigrant workers who often left after a few months. By seventh grade, she stopped trying to make close friends.

Lamya describes how Yusuf is found by people in a caravan who sell him as an enslaved person to an Egyptian minister. One day, the minister’s wife, Zulekha, tries to sleep with him. He runs away, and she grabs the back of his shirt, which tears. The minister comes home and finds them wrestling. There is a trial, and Yusuf is found innocent. Afterward, Zulekha says that either Yusuf must sleep with her or she will ensure that he is imprisoned. He refuses her again and is jailed because of Zulekha’s false claims against him.

Lamya discussed this passage of the story with Manal. She argued that the message is that “love will fuck you up” because Yusuf was lured into loving the minister and his family and not staying on his guard against them (225). Manal listened as Lamya connected what Yusuf might be feeling in that moment to her own feelings of discomfort with opening up to others and letting them in.

Lamya continues with Yusuf’s story. In prison, Yusuf becomes friends with the other inmates and interprets their dreams. One day, the king of Egypt has a dream where seven fat cows are eaten by seven lean ones, but no one can interpret it. One of Yusuf’s old cell mates recommends that they ask Yusuf for the meaning, and Yusuf tells the king that it means that there will be seven years of plenty followed by seven years of scarcity. The king rewards Yusuf by pardoning him for his crimes and appointing him head of the granaries.

Lamya told Manal that Yusuf was trying to make himself invaluable. She connected his actions to the concept of “queer indispensability,” the idea that queer people make themselves essential to relationships so that they cannot be left behind or excluded. Lamya recognized that she did this herself. Manal commended Lamya for being so open with her.

Lamya continues with Yusuf’s story. During the lean years, Yusuf’s brothers come to him and ask him for grain. They don’t recognize him. Yusuf tells them to return with the youngest brother, Benyamin, and then they will get the grain. They do as he says. Then, Yusuf conspires with Benyamin to make it seem as if Benyamin has stolen the king’s cup; this way, Benyamin has to stay with Yusuf as an enslaved person.

Lamya told Manal that she recognized Yusuf’s behavior. He tested his brothers to see if he could trust them again. Lamya felt that she tested people, including Liv and her family, in the same way. For example, she felt hurt when her family didn’t ask about her life, even though she had often deflected their questions. Manal argued that Lamya needed to be kinder to Yusuf, who was trying to heal in his own way. After their conversation, Lamya ate the banana bread that Liv had given her and reflected that she should work to be more vulnerable and trusting of those who love her.

Lamya tells the story of Hajar, who was enslaved by Sara. Sara and Ibrahim desperately want a child, but they are unable to conceive, so Sara offers Hajar to Ibrahim. Hajar has Ibrahim’s son, who they name Ismail. Sara becomes jealous, so Ibrahim leads Hajar and Ismail into exile in the desert. Lamya wonders how Hajar felt about her fate.

Lamya and Liv raced to catch the bus to visit Lamya’s uncle, grandfather, and other family in upstate New York and attend the family Eid celebration. They got on in just the nick of time.

Lamya tells the story of Eid. Ismail grows up in exile with Hajar. Ibrahim visits periodically, and he loves his son very much. One day, Ibrahim has a dream that he interprets as a message from God to sacrifice his son, Ismail. Ibrahim does as he thinks he is commanded to do. He ties down his son and is about to kill him with a sword when, at the last moment, a sheep appears in Ismail’s place. Lamya wonders how Hajar felt about this series of events, but “hers is the story that doesn’t get told” (248).

Lamya and Liv had been dating for two years before they went to go meet Lamya’s family. Lamya felt that it was impossible to tell her family that she was gay because they felt that it was “unnatural.” She felt afraid of losing them. As a result, they decided to tell Lamya’s family that Liv was only a friend during their visit. They didn’t even touch. Lamya felt that this was an act of love on Liv’s part.

Lamya describes part of Hajar’s story before Ibrahim’s attempted sacrifice. When Ibrahim leaves Hajar and Ismail in the desert, Hajar says that she trusts that God will take care of them. Lamya wonders if Hajar was angry. She feels frustrated that Hajar’s part of the story is not described in the Quran.

Lamya and Liv went to Lamya’s family Eid celebration. Liv got along well with her family. Lamya went to the mosque to pray and felt moved by the prayer. The next day, they returned home to New York City.

Lamya continues with Hajar’s story. After Ibrahim leaves them, Hajar is frantic, looking for food and water for her child. God makes a spring well up from under Ismail’s feet. There is so much water that Hajar covers it with her hands and says “zam zam,” meaning “stop, stop.” This becomes the name of the spring, Zamzam. Then, a caravan appears and sets up camp there. It becomes a city called Makkah (Mecca). God has taken care of Haraj and Ismail, just as Hajar believed God would.

During their visit with her family, Lamya’s aunt told her how much she liked Liv. However, like the parts of Hajar’s story that do not get told in the Quran, Lamya’s family will never know the full story of Liv and Lamya’s relationship. Lamya asked God to take care of her and surround her with a community like God did for Hajar.

Lamya went on a hiking trip with her friends Manal, Mitra, Reem, and their friends and partners. On their way to the camping spot, they got stares from the white residents of the small towns, but Lamya was determined not to let their racism ruin her vacation.

Before the hike, they were advised by the park rangers to make lots of noise to scare off the bears in the area. Lamya decided to make conversation by asking the others about their favorite things. Lamya asked who their favorite prophet was, and Manal responded, “Yunus” (Jonah). Lamya argued that Yunus is not so great because he doesn’t do much in the story and effectively gives up. Later, her friend Mitra suggested gently to Lamya that she was wrong about Yunus because Yunus fights “to call [people] to justice” (266). Lamya reflected on how she, too, had often fought losing battles to call people to justice on a number of issues.

Mitra suggested that Yunus disengages from the fight to protect and take care of himself, just like Lamya protects herself by using a pseudonym when writing. Lamya reflected on how when she was in her early thirties, she learned that she had to pick her battles so as to not wear herself out. Instead, she tries to convince people through writing and reaching out to those who want to listen. This helps keep her safe. Lamya realized how important this approach was when she and Liv spent the night at her abusive, racist, ex-cop uncle’s home. He became increasingly volatile as he drank, and instead of fighting, Lamya and Liv simply left early.

Lamya describes the story of Yunus. After Yunus realizes that no one is listening to his message, he decides to leave on a boat. God sends a storm. The sailors realize that they have to lighten the load so that the boat doesn’t capsize. They draw straws, and Yunus draws the short straw three times. He decides to trust God, so he jumps into the ocean, where he is swallowed by a whale. He stays in the belly of the whale for three days and three nights.

Even though being swallowed by the whale is often interpreted as Yunus’ punishment, Lamya sees it as a respite. She describes her pseudonym as a kind of whale that allows her to save her energy for fights where she can make a difference. She feels that she is not alone in her whale but that her chosen family is there with her, and they are all fighting together for a better world.