Heartbeat

In the first poem of this section, titled “Infinitely Joey,” Annie reflects on how unimaginably precious and small Joey is. “I do not know how I— / once a baby this small— / became me / nor how my mother or father / or grandfather or Max / all once so small and fragile / became who they are” (169). This question of becoming who we are, and not knowing who we will be, has plagued Annie, and now the potential of life is summarized in Joey. As she often does, she quickly connects life to memory, and marvels at how what we experience necessarily slips away from us: “The baby will not remember / that we change his diapers… / just as I do not remember /my parents and my grandparents / doing these many small things for me” (169). In the birth of her younger brother and the decline of her grandfather, Annie sees the cycle of growth and loss personified. Just as Joey is “infinite,” Annie is “infinitely / infinitely / infinitely / sad / that my grandpa / does not have a whole / long / life / ahead / of / him” (182). As the lines of verse reduce to single words, Annie is drawing out the conclusion, trying to prolong the life of her grandfather that seems so increasingly finite.

When Annie’s grandfather speaks to Max, he gives him an old pair of shoes and some advice. To Max, however, this is a turning point in his relationship with running, and he regards both gifts as precious. The loss of his grandfather and father has left him without important figures in his life, and though Annie does not quite understand why those losses changed him, his interaction with Annie’s grandfather holds great importance. In telling Max the “secret” of running, to “run for the pleasure of running” (191), he not only helps Max, but legitimizes Annie’s feelings about running, because she already knows the secret.

When Max leaves Annie an anonymous gift of art supplies, Annie realizes that the rhythm of their relationship may be strange, but it is special. “I think it odd / but right / that this is the way we talk / run run run / thump-thump, thump-thump” (194). Their dialogue is in the sound of their running, and the rhythms of their feet are their conversation. When she is asked if she has romantic feelings for Max, Annie denies it, because she is happy with the relationship they have: “I want him to stay Max/my same moody Max/and I want him to run with me/for a little longer” (197). Over the course of the book, so much of Annie’s life has changed, and her friendship with Max is an important anchor. Additionally, her dismissal of romantic feelings acknowledges that, though she has grown and matured in many ways, she is in no rush to grow up, and wants to live in her own infinite moments.

Annie’s final apple drawing, instead of being a shriveled apple, is of a seed. Annie says of Joey that the answers of life “seem all bound up / in the small bundle of this baby / answers already there / waiting to unfurl / like a bud on a tree” (168). The seed, like Joey, is what holds all the potential life that one day becomes an old apple, or a grandfather. In her art project, she has represented the lessons she has learned about the cycle of death and birth, the fragility of each moment, and the infiniteness of life.