Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection

Chapter 2 examines how different conflict styles shape relationship dynamics and outcomes. The Gottmans identify three primary healthy conflict styles: avoidant, validating, and volatile. They explain that success in relationships does not depend on which style a couple uses, but rather on maintaining a ratio of five positive interactions for every negative one during conflicts.

The chapter introduces this concept through Tyler and Noah, a couple experiencing communication difficulties. When frustrated, Tyler raises his voice, while Noah withdraws completely, demonstrating a fundamental mismatch in conflict styles. This pattern represents what the Gottmans term a “meta-emotion mismatch”—differing beliefs about how emotions should be expressed and handled.

The Gottmans’ research indicates that avoidant couples rarely discuss disagreements, preferring to maintain peace over addressing issues. They note two subtypes of avoidant couples: those who never discuss conflicts and those who acknowledge differences but move on without resolution. Validating couples engage in debate and accept mutual influence, working toward compromise while maintaining emotional control. Volatile couples express intense emotions during conflicts but balance negativity with humor and affection.

The authors emphasize that these styles become problematic when couples fail to maintain the crucial five-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflicts. To illustrate this point, they reference their research at the Love Lab, including an exhibit at San Francisco’s Exploratorium. This installation demonstrated that while most people cannot predict relationship outcomes from observing couples’ conflicts, recently divorced individuals show heightened sensitivity to negative interactions.

The chapter identifies two additional unhealthy conflict styles: hostile and hostile detached. Hostile couples engage in constant negativity without repair attempts, while hostile-detached couples have become emotionally disconnected. The authors illustrate these dynamics through case studies, including a couple whose relationship deteriorated after the husband gave his allergic wife peanuts as a gift.

The Gottmans outline three stages of conflict: agenda building, persuasion, and compromise attempts. They explain how different conflict styles approach these stages distinctively: Avoidant couples skip persuasion, volatile couples rush into it, and validating couples progress more methodically but often move too quickly through the agenda-building phase.

The authors acknowledge that while conflict styles often stem from family backgrounds and cultural influences, they can evolve over time. They share their own experience as a volatile couple who learned to incorporate validating elements into their interactions. The chapter concludes by encouraging readers to examine their own conflict patterns and understand their origins in family dynamics and cultural contexts.

The Gottmans support their arguments with extensive research data, including studies of 40,000 couples internationally. Their findings indicate that 83% of heterosexual couples, 77% of gay couples, and 73% of lesbian couples experience meta-emotion mismatches. This research forms the foundation for their assertion that understanding and adapting to different conflict styles represents a crucial element of relationship success.

Chapter 3 examines the fundamental nature of relationship conflicts, focusing on how couples become gridlocked in their arguments and how they can move past these impasses. The Gottmans begin with a case study of a client in her second marriage who noticed similar conflict patterns repeating across both relationships. This client’s experience leads into the chapter’s central argument: Most couples’ arguments arise not from their surface-level topics but from deeper emotional needs and unfulfilled dreams.

The authors introduce the concept of “bids for connection”—attempts that partners make to gain attention and establish emotional contact. Through their research at the Love Lab, which studied 3,000 couples, the Gottmans identified three ways that partners respond to these bids: turning toward (responding positively), turning away (ignoring), or turning against (responding negatively). Their longitudinal studies revealed that successful couples respond positively to bids 86% of the time, while troubled couples only do so 33% of the time. These responses create what the Gottmans term an “emotional bank account,” which influences how couples handle future conflicts.

The chapter distinguishes between two types of conflicts: solvable and perpetual. Solvable conflicts have clear solutions and, once addressed, typically don’t recur. Perpetual conflicts, which constitute 69% of all relationship disagreements, stem from fundamental differences in personality, values, or lifestyle preferences. The authors emphasize that perpetual conflicts aren’t inherently problematic—every relationship has them—but couples must learn to manage them constructively.

The Gottmans introduce the concept of gridlock, a state in which couples become stuck in repetitive, unproductive arguments. They present a detailed case study of Amy and Matthew, a couple gridlocked over a potential job relocation. While their surface argument centered on finances, the deeper conflict involved Amy’s fear of losing her community and Matthew’s desire for career fulfillment. This example illustrates how gridlocked conflicts often mask unfulfilled dreams and aspirations.

The chapter concludes by identifying three relationship “deal-breakers”: abuse (distinguishing between situational and characterological domestic violence), untreated addiction, and irreconcilable differences regarding having children. The authors emphasize that most conflicts, even seemingly intractable ones, can be resolved when couples learn to identify and discuss the underlying dreams and needs driving their disagreements.

The Gottmans close by addressing 10 common myths about relationship conflict, including the beliefs that conflict indicates an incompatible relationship, that men are more logical and women are more emotional, and that negative emotions should be avoided. They argue that these misconceptions often prevent couples from engaging in productive conflict resolution. The authors stress that conflict is inevitable in relationships but that with proper understanding and tools, couples can learn to navigate disagreements while maintaining emotional connection.