Feed

Thirty minutes after Titus gets to the hospital, Violet’s father shows up. He doesn’t see Titus at first, and Titus doesn’t stop him as he rushes past. Unconsciously, Titus starts clapping until he starts to get strange looks. After a moment, Violet’s father comes back out, and Titus reintroduces himself. Titus asks if Violet is okay, and he says that she is. Unlike the first time they met, he isn’t using large words and confusing language. He tells Titus that they’re repairing Violet’s malfunction and then asks Titus to stop. Titus realizes that he has started clapping again. Violet’s dad says, “I hate rhythms” (168), and Titus holds his hands still. Violet’s father gives Titus an address where he can monitor Violet’s feed efficiency. If it’s functioning properly, it will be at 98%. Titus checks and sees that it’s 87.3%, then 87.4%. Titus thinks about the cruel things Violet said at the party, especially to Quendy, and reminds himself that she was out of her mind and didn’t mean them. A nurse informs them that Violet is awake and can have visitors, but she wants her father, so he goes in.

When her father comes back, the nurse tells Titus it’s his turn. Titus finds Violet in a floating chair, her head and body attached to several cables. Violet sees him and looks away, ashamed. She apologizes. Violet in a hospital gown reminds Titus of Violet on the moon. Violet apologizes again. Afraid of making her angry, Titus tells her that he’s just worried. Violet tells him she’s all right for the moment, but when Titus wants to know how long she’ll be okay, Violet replies, “Not long” (169). She is close to tears. In chat, Violet says she can’t find the words for everything she needs to say. They’re uncomfortable and stiff, and Violet mentions that she can’t move her kneecap. Titus explains that he needs to go and get his upcar from Link’s, and Violet agrees. She asks if she can chat him later, and he awkwardly says she can. Titus’s mom picks him up and takes him to get his upcar. Link chats to ask about Violet, and Titus says she’s all right. Titus eats dinner, watches a show on the feed, and goes to bed, struggling to sleep. When he finally falls asleep, he dreams about Violet, who tells him she needs to hear him speak out loud.

The following day, Titus visits Violet at home. Violet feels terrible for what she said to Quendy, and Titus insists it was just the feed. They can hear Violet’s father moving around the house. Violet tells him the seizure erased a year of memories from when she was six, the year before she got the feed. Titus thinks Violet looks worried and sick and that kissing her “would taste like the hospital” (173). Violet reassures him she won’t forget she’s with him, and he responds without enthusiasm. Violet goes on, talking about how there are so many things she needs to do, describing visions of playing on the beach, dancing with an entire lacrosse team, visiting Mayan ruins, and going to the zoo. Violet’s father is doing something with power tools in the basement. Violet admits that all her ideas are just the openings to sitcoms because that’s where her visions of living an exciting life are from. Titus points out that the Mayan ruin isn’t from a sitcom. Violet agrees. Titus asks what it felt like when she was screaming and seizing at the party. Violet replies, “It felt good. Really good, just to scram finally. I felt like I was singing a hit single. But in Hell” (174).

A little later, Titus watches as Violet and her father plead with FeedTech to pay for her repairs. Since the feed isn’t medical, it isn’t covered by insurance, but they can’t afford the fees. They describe everything that’s happening to Violet, begging that “it was about the life of a girl” (175). However, the warranty on her feed has been expired for years. Violet’s dad insists that they will otherwise reach out to corporate sponsors to find someone to help them financially, but they will no longer remain FeedTech customers.

The next day, Titus goes to see Quendy. He tells her that Violet is really sorry for what she said and feels terrible. Quendy explains that at first she had been devastated and afraid to go out in public, but Loga had reassured her and made her feel better. Quendy understands that it was just Violet’s feed and asks if she is all right. Titus explains that her feed isn’t functioning properly with her brain, and Quendy is immediately concerned and wants to know what that means. Titus tries to tell her but doesn’t understand. Quendy sends him a diagram of the limbic system and suggests he view it to understand what’s happening to Violet, but Titus admits he doesn’t really want to know. Quendy warns him that Violet is undergoing something serious, and she hopes Titus isn’t acting strange and making her feel bad, because Violet needs him.

The following morning, Titus finds a message from Violet, which she sent at 3:15 in the morning. There’s no word from FeedTech, and she’s lying awake, picturing Titus sleeping. Violet says that her mother never got the feed. Her parents had waited until she was older and let her decide, and she had chosen not to get what she called the “brain mole” (178). Her father’s family hadn’t been able to afford the feed, so both of her parents had made it through college without them and had gone on to graduate school, even though it gave them a disadvantage. Violet’s parents had gone to a conceptionarium to have her, even though they had only been together for a few months. Violet remembers her mother, who would joke to her about the people they saw at the mall and say that they were all wearing clothes made out of oil, dinosaurs, and dead plants. Violet says that her leg stopped working for an hour and a half today, but she didn’t want to bother Titus about it. Her dad is struggling. She talks about how good it feels that her leg is working again and how everyone only gets one lifetime on earth.

Titus puts off listening to the message until he is on his way to school in his upcar. He sees that it’s a long one and conjures a strong smell of the hospital. He arrives at school after listening to the message, and he can’t get away from the smell. Looking out the window, he sees the leaves turn red on the trees, which indicates that he’s late for class. Titus just sits in the car, staring.

Titus receives a list from Violet of things she wants to do. It starts with dancing. She also wants to do things like fly over a volcano, swim underwater in the ocean, and go with Titus to the mountains. Some of her scenarios are extremely specific, such as getting a hotel room with Titus under the names Mr. and Mrs. Smith or dancing in a club where Titus stares at a woman named Belinda. Others include getting older and watching the years go by. She wants to work in an office, tell stories to her grandkids, and forget about all the time in hospitals and the way Titus seemed to visit her out of a sense of obligation.

In class, Titus is staring at a girl’s sweater. Due to budget cuts, they are being taught by a hologram. Titus hasn’t responded to Violet, and at first he couldn’t bring himself to listen to her entire message. He listened to it bit by bit, noting, “When I got to the end, that was it” (186). Titus can’t focus on the hologram, which seems empty.

Violet chats Titus, asking what he’s doing and telling him that, like always, she wishes they were together. Violet asks if he got her list. Then she asks, “Titus? …Titus?” (187), but he doesn’t respond.

Titus and Marty go to Link’s house after school, and Link asks about Violet. Titus admits they haven’t spoken in a few days, and he has had his busy signal up. They swim and play volleyball, and then suddenly Titus asks if they want to go in mal. Marty and Link are surprised and excited, promising that they’ve just heard about an amazing new site. They ask if Titus is sure, and he says he is. They hook up to the site, and when it hits him Titus starts to hallucinate. He hears Violet asking him what’s going on with him, but he laughs when he realizes she isn’t there to hear his response. Then they’re at the ice cream shop at the mall with a tub of ice cream they’ve just bought and wondering how they got there. They decide the mall is too loud, so they go to a clothing store and hang out in the dressing room, although someone keeps banging on the door and telling them to leave. Titus shows Link and Marty the list Violet sent of the things she wants to do before dying, and Link says, “Whoa, that’s intense, she’s one weird bitch” (190). Titus defends her, and Marty wants to know why Titus isn’t speaking to Violet because the list message made him profoundly sad. Titus wonders if the list item about him feeling obligated to visit her is Violet being mean, but Link and Marty don’t see how. Violet messages again.

They leave the dressing room and are told to leave the store. As they sit staring at a fountain, Violet messages asking if Titus is out of school yet. Titus responds, and Violet can tell that he’s in mal. Titus says he’s coming to see her, though he isn’t sure where his upcar is, and she tells him not to drive. Violet tells him about fifteen hundred people in Central America who were just found dead, “covered in this black stuff” (191). Titus insists that he’s going to see Violet and that he feels terrible, and she begs Titus to stay where he is until it wears off. Violet reproaches him for going into mal and that he has no idea what has happened to her today. Marty tells Titus where to find his upcar, which he promises to fly on autopilot. Titus feels like the mal is starting to fade. He finds his upcar parked next to Marty’s, which “was kind of touched and wrinkled by a pillar” (192). Titus dozes as the car flies toward Violet’s house. He finds her standing outside, but she tells him to sit on the lawn with her because if he goes inside, her father will know he's in mal. Suddenly, Titus tells Violet her list will take about five days except for the parts that are impossible. He promises they’ll find mountains. Violet asks if he’s heard the news, but Titus can’t follow what she’s saying. He falls asleep and “hear[s] the news talking through [his] eyes” (193).

While Titus sleeps, Violet sends the feed recording of what happened earlier in the day. Titus experiences Violet’s sensations and perspective as she tries to climb the stairs. Her legs freeze, and she falls, struggling to breathe. The FeedTech AI bot Nina appears and offers Violet anti-perspirant for moments like this when she’s feeling anxious. Then, Nina tells Violet that FeedTech isn’t interested in funding her repairs or replacing her feed and neither are their corporate sponsors. When they looked at her purchase history, it was so unpredictable they couldn’t discern a consumer profile for her. Therefore, they “don’t feel that [she] would be a reliable investment at this time” (195). As Violet weeps and begs, Nina suggests she can help Violet to find some deals, and over the next six months they can build up a consumer profile that might interest investors. Violet yells at her to go away. She’s alone, laying on the ground in the dark, and her head hurts. It’s as if she can feel her degraded feed, “rusting brown in her brain” (196).

When Titus wakes up, he has a headache. It’s getting dark, and Titus can see Violet’s father staring at him from the window. He’s obviously unhappy that Violet is spending some of her little remaining time with “some malfunctioned asshole” (197). Violet invites Titus to stay for dinner, but he feels guilty for coming over while malfunctioning and declines. Titus decides he’s never going to try going into mal again. He says he didn’t know that Violet had been turned down by FeedTech, and she replies, “You didn’t ask” (198). Violet chats about music as her father continues to glare. Titus starts to wish Violet would do something like take his hand. He wants her to touch him, but he doesn’t want to touch her first. Finally, Violet asks if he needs to leave, and Titus admits he should. He wants her to kiss him, but she doesn’t. She smiles a little and waves as he leaves. The following day, Violet’s arms freeze up, and she has such a powerful panic attack that she needs a sedative.

Violet leaves Titus another long message in the middle of the night. She has been researching funeral and mourning rituals from around the world and has started to wonder how much mourning is just out of obligation. Violet is terrified that she will lose her memory soon. The year from when she was six is entirely lost. Therefore, Violet is going to send Titus memories to hold for her, calling him “the most important person in [her] life” (200). Violet sends more and more memories, which he doesn’t open. His head starts to feel crowded, and then he has a headache. He gets a message from the feed about how much he is building up in cache. Then, finally, Violet stops sending. Relieved, Titus deletes all her messages. Then he sits and feels guilty for erasing her memories. Later, Violet messages him to ask if he’s on board with her idea for the weekend, warning that they’ll have to be sneaky because her father doesn’t want her to see him. Not knowing what she’s talking about, Titus doesn’t respond. He lays in his room and his walls are white. There are places where posters can appear, but Titus has turned them all off. Titus does nothing but lay in bed, not sleeping.

It’s Friday, and Smell Factor is throwing a loud tantrum because their father hasn’t been home in weeks. Titus hides in his room. Then his mother calls to him that Violet is here. Titus stands by the door and listens as his mother sends her up. Violet asks about the weekend plan, stating that she plans to go regardless because her time is limited. Titus doesn’t know what she’s talking about, and she clarifies that she wants to go to the mountains for the weekend and wants Titus to come with her. She asks if he got her messages and memories, and he claims that he didn’t. Violet panics, thinking that her feed had broken down and not sent them. Violet lied to her dad and told him she is at a friend’s house, joking harshly that he can just ground her for the remaining 15 minutes of her life. Titus is uncomfortable. Violet wants to know if he’s coming with her because she’s determined to live her life this weekend and do things she’s never done. Titus tells her he can’t because he’s busy and that if he had gotten her message, he could have changed his plans. Violet gets angry, and Titus apologizes. She sends him images of two people in a cabin snuggling in front of a fire and tries to convince him.

Thinking about snuggling with her and then about erasing the memories she sent, Titus agrees. Happily, Violet helps him pack. Titus tells his mother they’re going to a concert and then staying at Violet’s house, which his mom doesn’t question. In his upcar, Titus asks if they ought to tell her father where they’ll be, but Violet says he’s been overly protective and will only lose his mind. Titus asks how Violet has been doing, and she says she has moments where things freeze for a while, but they come back. Violet is concerned that her chat isn’t working properly and asks if Titus has been trying to message her. Titus lies and says that he sent a few messages. He feels bad and suggests that she send her memories again. Violet says she has been fantasizing about living without the feed entirely, but it’s too integrated into their biological functions. Then she adds that after listening to all the funeral music, the feed had paid attention and then recommended more music she actually liked. She’s trying to resist, but the feed is winning. Vaguely, Titus says, “Just…keep… […] doing” (207), and Violet replies, “My hero” (207), but Titus doesn’t want to be Violet’s hero.

They arrive at a college town in the mountains, and Violet has reserved a room in a seedy hotel under the names Mr. and Mrs. Smith. The guy at the front desk knows the names are fake but doesn’t care. They go to their room and make jokes about urban horror stories about similarly run-down hotels. The weather is pleasantly cold. They hear the sounds of a protest going on, and they ask the people at the pizza place where they eat dinner what the protest is about, but they don’t know. Violet and Titus drink hot cocoa, and Titus wishes he had some Kahlua. He realizes that he’s wishing he had a drink because he doesn’t want to be there with Violet. When they go back to the room, Violet admits she’s never had sex and wants to experience it with Titus. Titus says, “Oh. Okay” (210), hoping she’ll get the signal that he isn’t interested. However, she kisses him and tells him she’s been wanting this to happen since they met. Titus and his friends are beautiful and normal, and Violet wants to be normal too. She even suggests they could go skiing while they’re there. Titus offers that he grew up skiing in Switzerland, and Violet mentions that the US border is closed. Violet tells Titus she loves him and promises an incredible experience. After a while, when Titus isn’t responding physically, Violet asks what’s wrong.

She keeps trying, finally questioning, “What’s the matter with you?” (211). Titus responds, “I keep picturing you dead already. It feels… […] like being felt up by a zombie, okay?” (211). Titus immediately feels terrible. He apologizes. Violet explains that she had gone to the moon to live like other people, and she had been happy to meet someone and have a boyfriend too. What happened with the hacker felt like a punishment for trying to have a life. When the doctors told her that her feed was damaged and she could die, Violet had found Titus and kissed him, deciding to live her life fully. Titus apologizes again, and it’s clear they’re breaking up. Violet says she had been born alone with her parents watching from the other side of the glass, and she had just been hoping she wouldn’t have to die alone. Titus gets annoyed and accuses her of giving him a guilt trip. She had planned an entire love story and romanticized him and his friends without understanding them or the problems that they face. He accuses her of really thinking they’re stupid. Titus exclaims that after dating a couple of months, it isn’t fair for her to act like they’re married. Violet says that Titus should take her home in his fancy upcar. Irked, Titus doesn’t understand what her issue is with his upcar. Violet exclaims, “Do you know what’s going on in Central America?” (214).

Titus rolls his eyes, but Violet continues, telling him the Global Alliance is aiming all their weapons at the United States. There’s a reason they’re developing lesions, and there are entire suburbs that have just disappeared. Additionally, the earth is almost completely dead, yet they’re all supposed to ignore it and enjoy their youth. Titus tells her to finish her sermon on the drive, and Violet retorts, “I discover that I hate you” (215). Titus reminds her the room needs to be paid for. Violet says, “Oh, shit” (215), and Titus tells her sardonically that he will pay since he’s so rich. On the drive back, the anger between them is palpable. Violet cries, which Titus thinks “made her ugly” (215). Then, suddenly, he sees that her arm has stopped working. He almost apologizes but doesn’t want her to give a sarcastic response. Titus notices Violet looks very alone. The trip back feels interminable, and Violet’s father is watching from the window when Titus brings her home. Violet is struggling to get out of the car with her frozen arm. Titus offers his hand, but Violet refuses. Her father rushes out to help. Titus leaves, not realizing at the time that “Oh, shit” (216) will be the last words he ever hears Violet speak.

The next day, Violet messages Titus. She says she isn’t apologizing because she isn’t sorry for everything, but she wants to tell Titus she loves him. She promises she never thought of him as stupid, and she thought Titus was someone who could teach her things. They had both been cruel to each other, and Violet adds, “But there’s always time to change. There’s always time. Until there’s not” (217). Titus listens but says nothing and returns to playing basketball with Link.

At the beginning of summer, Marty, Link, and Titus go to Io, one of the moons of Jupiter, to visit Marty’s aunt. Titus is dating Quendy, and he misses her, but they have a good time. Marty has also gotten a Nike speech tattoo, which was expensive. It inserts the word “Nike” at the end of every sentence. Physical conditions are worse, as people are losing their hair and more and more skin. Hipsters have been hit with an affliction that causes them to suddenly freeze up. Initially, there was a fear of terrorism, but it turns out it’s an issue called Nostalgia Feedback. People are having nostalgia for trends that are more and more recent until they start having nostalgia about the time they’re currently living in. Calista and Loga have been affected a lot, but the rest of the group is sure they’ll be all right. However, after seeing Calista and Loga freeze up, Titus can’t help but remember Violet, and he can’t sleep, thinking about her staring and unable to move. Another occurrence that summer is that bees start swarming and attacking some of the suburbs. Titus also laments that his friends don’t want to ride in his upcar for some reason, even though he got one with plenty of room. Titus thinks, “It’s like I keep buying these things to be cool, but cool was always flying just ahead of me, and I could never exactly catch up to it” (219).

At dinner one evening, Titus’s father returns from a corporate retreat, excited to show his family his memories of their whale hunting experience. Titus is bored and getting seasick, which means his dad was seasick and he’s experiencing it. Proudly, his dad shows them how they harpooned a whale. Suddenly, a voice in Titus’s head says, “She wanted me to tell you when everything stopped” (221). Violet’s father, nearly drowned out by the whale-hunting expedition, tells Titus that Violet had wanted him to know when it was over, and he doesn’t have to come and see her if he doesn’t want to, but he gives Titus their address in case he no longer has it. At the same time, Titus is stuck in his father’s memory and feeling his father’s arousal at a woman who works with him. His dad abruptly cuts off the memory. Smell Factor exclaims the woman made him feel funny, and Titus’s mom asks pointedly who she was. Titus tells his family that Violet’s father contacted him, and it seems like something is seriously wrong. Titus’s mom continues to push his dad about the woman, and Titus leaves. After the long trip, Violet’s father opens the door and goes back inside. Titus follows and asks what happened. He follows where Violet’s dad points down the hall and sees Violet.

Violet is on a floating bed, pale, eyes open, and hooked up to machines. Her head has been shaved, and she has scars from surgeries. Titus doesn’t feel anything. She doesn’t seem like a person. Violet’s dad comes in and explains that her speech had become slurred, which had been frustrating for her and her wittiness. Her legs had stopped working, and eventually she had become trapped in her body. He tells Titus that he and Violet’s mom hadn’t planned to give her a feed, but he had gone to a job interview and realized the two men who were interviewing him were secretly mocking him over the feed. Even though he was highly qualified, he didn’t get the job. He realized then that Violet would have to have the feed to survive in the world. He feels guilty because installing it late is known to cause issues, and he had picked a cheaper model, but he also blames Titus for taking Violet to the club in the first place. Titus exclaims, “She—but she wanted to live. She told me,” and Violet’s father retorts, “Does this count?” (227).

He sends Titus memories of Violet suffering until Titus is overwhelmed. Coldly, he tells Titus he’s performed his obligation and can now return to the fun and games of his life. Titus insists he isn’t a bad person. Violet’s dad accuses Titus of taking part in American consumer culture that just adopts fads and throws them away, and Titus had thrown Violet away. What makes him especially angry is that Violet had apologized to Titus in the end. He tells Titus to go back to the eloi, a reference (that Titus doesn’t understand) to H. G. Wells’s The Time Machine. Furious and sick of being made to feel stupid, Titus screams, “Fuck you!” (229). Violet’s dad screams it back, over and over. Titus leaves, hearing Violet’s dad sob and apologize to Violet as he goes. Titus sits in his upcar for a while, unable to move. Then he goes home. In his room, Titus strips naked and then orders pants from his feed. He orders more and more, all in the same color, until his account is empty. This goes on all night with Titus freezing and shivering. Then, he notes, “I […] was awake at dawn, when I put on clothes, and went up to the surface, and watched the shit-stupid sun rise over the whole shit-stupid world” (231).

Two days later, Titus goes to see Violet again. He dresses up. Her father opens the door but says nothing. Titus talks to Violet, unsure if she can hear. He tells her the news since she likes to stay informed. The Global Alliance is threatening war. The Roman emperor Nero has built himself an ocean where he can stage massive sea battles. All over the country, people are rioting in malls, but no one knows the reason. Titus says, “There’s an ancient saying in Japan, that life is like walking from one side of infinite darkness to another, on a bridge of dreams. They say that we’re all crossing the bridge of dreams together. That there’s nothing more than that” (233). Violet’s dad works outside in the garden. Titus whispers to Violet, telling her that he still has one story to tell her and it’s her. Titus doesn’t want her to forget herself or be forgotten. He promises to tell her when she wakes up and says, “I know you so well, I could drive a simulator” (234). Titus starts to cry for the first time. He tells their love story, which is about “two crazy kids” who “learn to resist the feed” (234) and continues to cry. Her heart beats very slowly, and Titus can see himself in the reflection in her unseeing eye.

The final excerpt from the feed is an ad for a sale on blue jeans, which repeats, “Everything must go!” (235).