Every Last Word

Samantha slips into a major depressive episode and retreats to her room for the entire weekend, avoiding everyone including her family and friends. Her mind keeps wandering back to the moment when AJ first learned about Caroline: “Every time I think about that look on[AJ’s] face when he first heard me say Caroline Madsen’s name, I want to be sick” (305).

Samantha is still reeling from the discovery that Caroline is a figment of her imagination, and isolated in her room, she continues to unpack the meaning of that “friendship.” In her red notebook, she makes two lists: one of Caroline Madsen’s qualities (the real person) and another of Caroline’s qualities (the imaginary one). Laid bare on the page, Samantha sees that she “took a face in a photo and gave her a lot of traits that deep down, [she] wish [she] possessed” (306).

Hailey comes to visit Samantha at her home, but Samantha does not want to see her. Eventually Samantha allows her to enter her room, and Hailey presents her with some flowers. Samantha asks if the flowers are from Hailey personally or the Crazy Eights as a group. Hailey clarifies that the flowers are her gift alone, as Samantha has distanced herself from the Crazy Eights. She then apologizes for not standing up for Samantha when she should have. Hailey, terrified that this is what will happen, also asks if Samantha is going to leave the Crazy Eights. Samantha says she is not sure, but if she does, Hailey is welcome to join her. Hailey asks if there is anything that she can do for Samantha when she returns to school tomorrow. Samantha says she can do two things: first, she asks Hailey if she can get all her books from her locker, and second, she asks that going forward if Hailey could call her "Sam."

Back at school, Samantha’s strategy for survival is to avoid both the Crazy Eights and the members of Poet’s Corner. After the Caroline revelation, she cannot bear to face either group. She swims laps over her lunch.

After her lunchtime swim en route to fifth period, AJ intercepts her: “I can tell he has something to say and that he’s nervous about it, because in my peripheral vision, I can see his right hand, thumb and forefinger pressed together, strumming lightly on the side of his jeans” (313). He gives Samantha a simple “hi” and asks her if she is okay. Samantha avoids the question and asks how the open mic night was, and she finds out that AJ did not go. He explains that after her breakdown earlier in the day, he couldn't go to the open mic without her. He also explains that he did not tell the members of Poet’s Corner about Caroline or her breakdown; he used car trouble as his excuse for Samantha not coming to the open mic. Samantha realizes that AJ still does not really understand what is going on with her, what inspired the breakdown, and what the deal with Caroline is. She can sense that he wants an explanation, but she is not able to give it to him just yet. Samantha starts to explain, but when she says the name “Caroline,” AJ hastily says he has to get to class and leaves.

By the following day, Samantha is still hiding from the Crazy Eights and the Poet’s Corner members: “By Tuesday afternoon, I’ve become pretty skilled at sneaking around and avoiding people” (315). She avoids texts from Alexis, Olivia, Hailey, and AJ—she does not know how to respond, so she leaves them unanswered. Again, around fifth period, AJ approaches Samantha: “He starts walking and there’s nowhere to hide. Then he stops, looming over me, blocking my way” (316). AJ asks if Samantha has ever read Caroline’s poems on the walls of Poet’s Corner. This is when it dawns on Samantha that Caroline, before she committed suicide, was a member of Poet’s Corner. The revelation deeply startles Samantha. AJ tells Samantha to go to the back-right corner of the Poet’s Corner because that is where she will find Caroline’s poetry, in a spot that AJ refers to as “Caroline’s Corner.” Immediately, Samantha makes her way to the theater and down the stairs into Poet’s Corner to find Caroline’s poems.

Samantha is filled with a sense of purpose as she makes her way to Caroline’s Corner:

Now I take slow, measured steps toward the low bookcase in the right corner and flip on the lamp so it illuminates the wall. I never made it over here that first day, and over the last few months, I don’t recall planting any of my own poetry here. If I had, I might have noticed what made this spot so unique (320).

In the corner, Samantha sees that Caroline’s poems are written on lined, three-hole punched paper. Near the corner, there is also a wooden pencil box embossed with the initials C.E.M. Inside is a letter written by Caroline addressed to Mr. B, the school janitor. The letter thanks Mr. B for introducing her to the room and encouraging her to write her poetry. It also tells him that it is not his fault what she is about to do, alluding to her suicide. In the final line of the letter, Caroline gives Mr. B the key to Poet’s Corner and asks him to “pass it on.” Samantha then begins putting together the pieces of the basic origin story of Poet’s Corner: Caroline Madsen created the group with the help of Mr. B, who gave her access to the space underneath the theater and even helped her conceal it. Samantha does not know quite understand how Mr. B came to know Caroline, but judging by the letter, it is clear that he helped her in a profound way.

Samantha returns the letter to the box and begins looking at Caroline’s poetry tacked to the walls. She is engrossed: “They’re beautiful and hilarious, and the more I read, the more I cry and the harder I laugh” (322). After reading over 50 of Caroline’s poems, there is just one left for Samantha to read, entitled “Every Last Word.” In the poem, Caroline expresses her gratitude for writing and for Poet’s Corner: “These walls heard me when no one else could[...]It wasn’t enough, but they heard every last word” (323). Tears well in her eyes as Samantha reads this poem, realizing that this was Caroline’s last poem before she died. Feeling gratitude and compassion for Caroline, Samantha pens a poem dedicated to her:

It voices what she means to me and how much I miss her and why this room of hers matters, not just to me but to everyone who’s ever found it. And, while it doesn’t say it in so many words, it’s also a poem for my new friends, promising that from now on I’ll be a lot braver with my words than I was before (325). 

After her poem dedicated to Caroline is complete, Samantha feels happy for the first time since her breakdown. She gathers her things from Poet’s Corner, noticing that she has been engrossed for the past two hours. After reading Caroline’s poems and learning the origins of Poet’s Corner, she is inspired to learn more about her fellow members of the group: “Every person with a poem on this wall has a story to tell. I need to know more” (326). Samantha makes her way to the parking lot from the theater and enters her car. She shifts into drive, heading to AJ’s house.

At AJ’s house, Samantha finds him inside strumming his guitar. Samantha tells him that she read Caroline’s poems, and then she asks him to tell her more about Caroline as a person. They make their way to AJ’s room where he tells her the whole story of Poet’s Corner: Mr. B, the school janitor, met Caroline when she was a sophomore hiding in a storage room during lunch period. He felt bad that she was struggling with bullies and that she had no friends. Caroline and Mr. B’s unlikely friendship evolved, and she eventually told him that she enjoyed writing poetry and one day hoped to start a secret poetry club. Mr. B wanted to help her with the club, so he found a room for her underneath the school’s theater. Eventually, Caroline met a few people—including AJ and Emily—who enjoyed poetry and suffered from bullying, and they joined Poet’s Corner, too.

Samantha listens to the background of Poet’s Corner intently. When AJ concludes, she wonders: “Why won’t he touch me?” (331). She is worried that perhaps he has moved on from her, due to her being “crazy,” but then “suddenly, [she] hear[s] Caroline’s voice, calm and clear, as if she were sitting right next to [her]” (331). Caroline’s voice tells Samantha to stop thinking, to just go. Intuitively, Samantha knows that AJ wants to be close to her, and that he is just waiting for her to share herself, and so Samantha takes Caroline’s advice and begins telling him the story of her OCD: “‘My mind messes with me,’ I say, talking in that unfiltered way he likes, not measuring my words and not quite certain about what’s coming out until I hear myself say it” (331). She continues, fully letting her guard down and telling him everything about her mental illness, including her unintentional invention of Caroline. She apologizes to AJ for keeping all this from her, but she says that it is because she was afraid to tell him. He assures her that even though she feels crazy, he is also far from normal—he is unafraid of everything she just told him about herself. The conversation ends with them embracing passionately; they kiss as Samantha lets her thoughts drift away, fully present in this moment. 

At the next Poet’s Corner meeting, Emily and Samantha sits next to one another. Emily tells Samantha that her ill mother has now returned from the hospital for last-stage hospice care at home. She will die within the next few months. Without thinking too deeply about it, Samantha invites Emily to her house that night for dinner. Samantha’s ability to empathize is increasing.

When the readings begin, Samantha is the first one to volunteer. She is going to read her poem written in Poet’s Corner for Caroline, but before she begins, she prefaces the reading by saying: “I just want to say thank you for letting me stay, even though I probably didn’t deserve it and some of you didn’t think I belonged” (339). The poem about Caroline expresses gratitude for her as a person, and that though Caroline is gone she is not forgotten: “You are still here/stitched into the words on these walls./Every last one” (340). When Samantha finishes, AJ urges her to tack her poem in a special place: Caroline’s Corner. 

Samantha enters the cafeteria, nervously thinking about what she is about to do, which is break-up for good with the Crazy Eights: “Letting go of the Eights is already proving to be harder than I expected” (342). She makes her way over to the table where the Crazy Eights are seated and asks them if she can talk to them for a moment. Kaitlyn says of course, and then proceeds to tell Samantha that she has been meaning to apologize to her, referring to the incident last week when she made fun of AJ’s stutter. Kaitlyn says she is sorry, and she hopes that Samantha accepts her apology.

For a brief moment, Samantha considers staying with the Crazy Eights: “Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I can have both” (344). Ultimately, however, she moves forward with the plan to separate from their toxicity, telling them that they are “growing apart” and that it is “time to part ways” (345). When Samantha leaves the lunch room, she is empowered by her decision: “I walk through the cafeteria door, leaving my friends behind. Feeling all the pain of letting them go. And knowing I did the right thing” (346). 

It is Wednesday and Samantha is in Sue’s office for her weekly therapy session. She updates Sue on the various aspects of her life, and she is doing extremely well in most areas. Poet’s Corner is still great, things with AJ are excellent, and best of all she is beginning to feel truly like herself. When Sue remarks that she feels as though “Summer Sam” is emerging, Samantha corrects her: “‘Summer Sam was always…’ I pause, searching for the right word, and settle on: ‘Temporary. But this feels pretty permanent’” (348). Sue and Samantha toast with apple cider to this achievement.

However, when Sue asks about Caroline, Samantha’s eyes begin welling up with tears: “‘I miss her. A lot. Every day.’ The lump in my throat swells and I can feel my eyes welling up. I don’t want to cry” (351). Before Samantha begins to cry, Sue grabs a wrapped box and asks her to unwrap it. Inside, Samantha finds a novelty T-shirt, much like the ones Caroline used to wear, with “I Am Silently Correcting Your Grammar” on the front (351). 

It is raining outside when the members of Poet’s Corner gather together at a table in the cafeteria. Samantha looks at the empty spot where she used to sit at the Crazy Eights table; she notes that they look happy, even without her presence. Samantha gets up from the table to write for a bit, saying “love you” to AJ as she leaves the table (354).

Samantha runs from the cafeteria in the rain, using her jacket to protect her head. She makes her way to the theater and plops down in her usual seat. She looks at the ceiling, thinking about how to begin: “I tap the eraser against the paper. I’m at a loss. I close my eyes and sit like that for a few minutes, breathing in the musky smell of this room, running my fingernails back and forth across the upholstery” (354). Caroline suddenly appears to Samantha: “I see a pair of boots, right next to my shoes. Then legs, crossed at the ankles, mirroring my posture exactly” (355). Caroline offers to help Samantha find the words, but Samantha refuses: “‘Actually,’ I whisper, ‘I think I’ve got this one’” (355).