Every Last Word

It's three weeks later, and Samantha is beaming. She has read aloud at Poet’s Corner a total of four poems and then tacked all four of them to the wall. Even though she is still learning the ropes, she is happy to be a member: “I don’t quite feel like one of them yet, but at least I’m contributing” (154). It is October, but still extremely hot outside, so Samantha cannot wait to get to the pool for swim practice. She gets in her car and begins driving when, just a few blocks away, she notices AJ sitting at a bus stop with his arm around a girl. Samantha is taken by surprise—she assumes that the girl, who she recognizes from Poet’s Corner as Emily, must be his girlfriend. AJ notices Samantha in her car and waves her over to the bus stop.

AJ asks Samantha for a favor: Emily is crying and upset because her mother is really sick, and she needs a ride home. Even though she is not supposed to have passengers in the car, Samantha agrees, and both he and Emily file into the backseat of her car. She still believes that Emily is AJ’s girlfriend as she drops Emily off at her house, but AJ quickly clarifies when the two of them are alone: “We’re not together[...]We’re just friends. We’ve been good friends for a long time” (158). With that out of the way, AJ goes onto say that he enjoyed the poem Samantha read that day: “‘It’s interesting. Usually, after people read a few times, they start to make more sense to me, but every time you read I find myself…’ He pauses, searching for the right words. ‘More curious about you’” (159). Samantha says that she is curious about him too, surprising herself with her own candor: “I’m not sure where this boldness is coming from, but it feels pretty natural” (159).

Samantha also is uncharacteristically honest with AJ about her naming convention for music playlists, which is deeply wrapped up in her OCD and obsession with the number three. When they arrive at AJ’s house, they sit in the driveway and talk more; Samantha does not want him to exit the car, as she wants their discussion to continue. She asks him what made him start playing guitar, and he tells her that it was his stutter A speech therapist worked music into their sessions, and that helped “trick” (164) his brain into being able to access his true voice. Samantha notices that AJ’s house is a modest single-story cabin. Samantha is pleased when he invites her in.

Inside AJ’s house, no one is home—not AJ’s mother, nor his brother Kyle. Samantha did not realize it until looking around the walls of AJ’s home, but his brother Kyle is a popular soccer player in his freshman year at school. She recalls that Kyle actually rejected Olivia, one of the Crazy Eights, when she attempted to date him. AJ sees Samantha observing pictures on the wall of Kyle and says that yes, Kyle is the “cooler and much better looking” (167) brother. AJ makes a joke about having a complex about his brother, for which he will someday need therapy. Samantha replies by saying probably not since AJ appears well adjusted. At that point, AJ gets close to Samantha: “He steps closer and leans in, like he’s telling me a secret, and the sudden gesture of familiarity takes me aback” (168). AJ tells her that no matter how well adjusted someone seems, “everyone’s got something” (168). Samantha wonders at this point if she should tell him about her “something,” her OCD.  She refrains for the time being.

They make their way from AJ’s kitchen to his bedroom: “I’ve seen plenty of boys’ bedrooms, mostly at parties, but stepping into AJ’s room feels different, like I’m doing something scandalous” (169). She observes that his mattress is just a box spring directly on the floor, and his desk is cluttered with loose papers, notebooks, gum wrappers, and empty soda cans. AJ takes his guitar off the stand where it is mounted in his room and begins to strum a tune. Samantha briefly slips into a fantasy about kissing AJ, but his words jolt her back into the room when he starts telling her about the latest songs he is working on. He invites her to join him on the bed where he is playing, to look through his notebook filled with songs. Samantha flips through them: “Some of his songs are funny—humorous observations of mundane things like microwave burritos and car washes—and some are much deeper, far more intense, and not funny at all. I go from laughing to chills and goosebumps and back to laughing again” (172). Samantha tells him that she is impressed with his songs when AJ suddenly stops playing the guitar. He takes it and lifts it over her head, saying that he is going to teach her how to play. He teaches her three chords, and soon moves behind her for further instruction: “He moves in even closer, resting his chest against my back and reaching around me, looking over my shoulder, repositioning my hands” (174).

When the guitar lesson ends, Samantha longs to have him near her again. She glances around the room and notices a picture on his desk: “It’s AJ and a girl I’ve never seen before. She’s sitting between his legs, leaning back against his chest. Both of his arms are wrapped tightly around her waist and his chin is on her shoulder. She’s pretty. Not in a glamorous way or anything, but in that natural, sporty kind of way” (175). AJ sees Samantha observing the picture and tells her that the girl is named Devon, his ex who went to Carlton, a neighboring rival high school. Devon is a year older than him, and they have been broken up for three months since her father’s company transferred the family to Boston in July. Samantha asks if AJ loved her, and he says "yes."

When Samantha goes to leave, she thinks once again about AJ kissing her. She has no illusions about the fact that she has a serious crush on him now:

Two weeks ago, I was okay with being his friend, but that’s not what I want anymore. I like him. I like everything about him. The way he plays. The songs he writes. The things he says. The way he makes me want to speak out, not hold my words inside. That dimple. Those lips. I have to know what they feel like (178).

Even though she does not want to leave, and she is not sure that AJ wants her to leave, Samantha climbs into her car and makes her way home. 

Around midnight that night, Samantha is deeply consumed with online researching AJ’s ex-girlfriend; and by four in the morning, Samantha has learned a great deal about Devon, whose last name she now knows is Rossiter: “I’ve been manically opening window after window, clicking on link after link, scanning site after site, but I’m still following this white rabbit down the hole, trying to feed my brain enough information on my own personal wonderland” (181). Samantha learns that Devon is a varsity athlete via her Facebook page, which includes tagged pictures of AJ at their winter formal, which then leads Samantha to AJ’s Facebook page. Unlike Devon’s page, AJ’s is sparse, and he does not seem to use it much.

Samantha does not think jealousy is causing this frenzy of research on Devon: “It’s my OCD, this inexplicable, uncontrollable need to know one thing, and then one more thing, and then yet another thing, until my brain is exhausted” (183). Samantha recognizes that this behavior is unhealthy and sets her laptop aside. Even so, thoughts of AJ and Devon together still plague her:

My logical mind knows these things are true, but still, when I close my eyes, there’s this image of AJ and Devon twisted up in the sheets together[...] I don’t want to think about the two of them, arms and legs intertwined under his blue comforter, but I can’t fall asleep because I can’t get the image out of my head (184). 

Samantha and Caroline are sitting in their usual seats in the theater, jointly working on writing their poetry together. Samantha is worse for the wear after her late-night researching Devon: "I’m jittery from my lack of sleep and the three Cokes I’ve had since lunch. This morning, I found AJ’s guitar pick in the pocket of my jeans, and I’ve been fiddling with it ever since, like it’s my thinking putty. I’ve already decided I’m going to tape it up on the inside of my locker door” (185). Samantha is trying to focus on writing poetry with Caroline, but thoughts of AJ and Devon consume her. Caroline’s patience is wearing thin because Samantha keeps reciting the same facts about Devon over and over again. Caroline asks Samantha if she wants her honest opinion about AJ, and Samantha says of course, yes: “I think he likes you[...]I also think you’re overcomplicating this whole thing” (186). Caroline goes on to explain that when good things happen to Samantha—a new car, discovering poetry, her new friendship with Caroline—Samantha seems determined to make them unhealthy by twisting them into something toxic. Samantha explains that that is how her OCD mind works: it churns and twists things and when it latches onto a thought, it will not let go. Caroline then suggests that Samantha take a trip to the batting cages because, much like her constant stream of steady OCD thoughts, the baseballs one after another are relentless. If she can bat the baseballs away, perhaps she can do the same for her unwanted thoughts. Samantha, however, notes that she has a “broken” (188) bat and therefore cannot as easily rid herself of the thoughts. Caroline urges her to please try and be happy because things are going well. 

Over the next week, Samantha see AJ everywhere. She adjusts her schedule so that she will see him “randomly” in the lunchroom, on the way to class, etc. For the most part, however, he seems to be avoiding her: “On Monday, I tried to talk with him after Poet’s Corner, but he said he had somewhere he needed to be and sped up the stairs so fast, Caroline even looked at me and said, ‘Well, that was awkward’” (189). Samantha even wonders if she imagined the whole experience in AJ’s room, with the intimate guitar lesson. Finally, on Wednesday, AJ approaches Samantha on her way to third period. He asks if she has a second, and then wants to know how she is doing. He looks nervous and before Samantha can answer, he suddenly rushes away to class.