Every Last Word

Samantha is taking her seat in history class when Sydney, one of the members of Poet’s Corner, approaches her. Sydney tells Samantha that AJ read her poem to the group and that they have debated about whether to let Samantha in as a member for the past few weeks. Ultimately, they decided that they would like to invite her back. Sydney says to meet them at Poet’s Corner at lunch and taps Samantha’s yellow notebook to imply that Samantha will have to read at this meeting. Samantha does not pay attention to her history lesson and instead is fretting over which poem to read: “Sweat is forming on my brow, and I keep shifting in my chair, and my neck already feels sore from all the scratching” (105).

At lunch time, Sydney and Samantha make their way to Poet’s Corner. Samantha is becoming increasingly nervous the closer they get. Inside the room, she begins to suffer a panic attack, having difficulty breathing: “The air must be thicker down here or maybe the ventilation in the basement doesn’t work as well as it should, because I. Can’t. Breathe” (106). AJ is there and tells Samantha that they look forward to hearing what she has to say, at which point Samantha’s worry intensifies even more: “Now this feels less like an invitation to join the group and more like a test I need to pass. I write shitty poetry. For myself. I don’t have anything to say” (107). She worries that everyone will laugh at her poetry before slipping into a full panic attack, in which her throat begins to close, and she begins to collapse. Caroline materializes and helps Samantha to a couch and instructs her to take deep breaths.

When Samantha finally collects herself, she is able to make her way to the stage where, even though she is still nervous, she attempts to read her poem entitled “Plunge.” However, as Samantha looks out into the audience, she panics again and apologizes as she frantically runs from the stage. As the tears well in her eyes, she experiences a drastic change of heart about Poet’s Corner: “That’s when it all hits me: this is all a big joke. Payback for what I did to AJ all those years ago. I bet they’ll all have a good laugh about it when AJ finally gets this fucking door open” (112). She runs up the stairs, making a beeline for the parking lot when she realizes that her backpack was left in Poet’s Corner. 

Samantha kills time in the school parking lot, hoping that Caroline or someone from Poet’s Corner will return her backpack to her locker. Her backpack contains her car keys, so she is stuck at school until she gets it back. She walks from the parking lot to her locker and along the way makes a resolution to return to Poet’s Corner:

I immediately realize my mistake, and it hits me with absolute certainty: I have to go back. Even if it was all a joke, even if they meant to embarrass me, I have to go back down there and prove I can do it, if not to them, at least to myself. If I can stand on diving blocks and win a medal, I can stand on a stage and read a poem (115).

AJ suddenly appears, standing behind Samantha, holding her backpack. Samantha sheepishly tells AJ that she panicked onstage and that she thought the group would laugh at her. AJ reassures her that they would not have. He also informs her that, for new members, there is an initiation process to Poet’s Corner that they have skipped for Samantha. They make their way back to Poet’s Corner so that Samantha can begin the initiation process.

With just the two of them in Poet’s Corner, AJ tells her that the first step is for her to compose a poem on the stage where she will eventually read it aloud to the group. The poem, when it is read, will be judged by the group—not on how “good” the poem is, but on how sincere the author is. AJ tells her more about the club’s rules: it is forbidden to criticize anyone’s poetry, especially your own; poets must always begin by stating where their poem was written; and they meet on Mondays and Thursdays at lunch. At the mention of the last rule, Samantha worries that the Crazy Eights may take issue with her skipping lunches. AJ takes her phone number so that he can alert her to anything happening in the group. They chat, and all the while AJ seems to be excited to have Samantha finally joining Poet’s Corner: “His expression is soft and kind, and his eyes shine when he talks about the room and me becoming part of it” (126). Before AJ leaves the room so that Samantha can compose her poem, he tells her that it was difficult to let her into Poet’s Corner given their history, but he is not one to hold a grudge. 

Samantha is alone in Poet’s Corner, tasked with writing poem there in the room. She spends the rest of sixth period and all of seventh period just reading the walls: “The poems here are silly, heartbreaking, hilarious, sad, and many are absolutely incredible” (128). By the time the final bell rings, Samantha has taken in hundreds of poems. At the end of her reading, she chooses her yellow notebook—the journal meant to record happy thoughts—to pen her poem. 

Samantha is in her usual lane three for swim practice. For once, Samantha’s mind is quiet: “I don’t even feel the urge to swim to the beat of a song. I’m mentally spent. Out of words. Out of thoughts. It feels good to be so empty. It’s so peaceful. Is this what it’s like to be normal?” (130). As she swims the length of the pool, Samantha thinks about how she will have to come up with an excuse to miss lunch twice a week with the Crazy Eights, and her heart begins to race.

When practice ends, Samantha heads to the parking lot to drive home, where Caroline is waiting for her unexpectedly. They discuss the incident at Poet’s Corner when Samantha fled the stage, and Caroline assures her that she did not tell the group about Samantha’s anxiety and OCD, even though that would help explain Samantha's behavior. Samantha confides in Caroline that the more time she spends with the kids of Poet’s Corner, the more likely it is that they will find out about her OCD. Caroline assures her that the group can handle it and will not judge her. Still, Samantha asks Caroline to keep her OCD a secret, at least for now.

The next day at lunch, Kaitlyn demands to know where Samantha has been. Yesterday, she missed lunch as well as fifth period, Olivia notes. Samantha lies, saying that she was not feeling well and went home after fourth period. Alexis attempts to catch Samantha in the lie and tells the group that Samantha’s car was in the parking lot after school. Samantha recovers and says that because she was feeling so ill, the school nurse had her mother come pick her up.

Samantha then tells the group that she is going to start swimming on her lunch break on Mondays and Thursdays—this is her excuse to be able to attend Poet’s Corner. They mostly accept this. When the group begins discussing a party the next day, Samantha says she is not going, in an unprecedented bold move.