Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Brown highlights a contradiction in how people approach vulnerability, writing, “That’s the paradox here: Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you” (97). We want other people to be vulnerable, and we value when we are able to see through the masks they wear, but we are terrified that someone might see through our mask. To show how we develop this armor, Brown uses the example of a middle-school cafeteria. She invites the reader to imagine their 11-, 12-, or 13-year-old self in the cafeteria. Armor is harder to see on adults because over time, it merges to our skin and it becomes second nature. When we are preteens, we start to develop our masks. We try different ones on, and we adapt them to social expectations. These experiences are so ingrained in our psyches that even as adults, most of us can quickly be brought back to that context of middle school and feeling social anxiety.

In Chapter 4, Brown shows how our desire to avoid vulnerability is an attempt to protect ourselves. We are afraid that if we are happy, we can be disappointed. Brown uses the analogy of a mask or armor to show how the day-to-day performance of strength wears us down. She uses several examples, including perfectionism, to show how our desire not to seem weak interferes with our ability to excel, to strive, and to connect. Our armor doesn’t protect us, it is simply a weight.

Addiction is a theme Brown explores in Chapter 4. She argues that while most of us do not think that addiction applies to us, many of us exhibit compulsive behaviors that are intended to numb our feelings. The root cause of these addictions is shame, anxiety, and disconnection. It is a fear about fitting in, finding connection, or managing our anxiety that drives us to numbing behaviors. Over-working and over-scheduling are the most common form, but a glass of wine to “take the edge off,” or prescription pills are another major manifestation of addiction. Brown describes how she started smoking and drinking in her late teens out of anxiety because she needed something to do with her hands. Her vices kept her company when she felt lonely or anxious. These behaviors can be classified as shadow comforts, something that feels pleasurable but actually makes our lives harder, casting a shadow over us. The motivation behind it is the key factor in whether it is a comfort or a shadow comfort. If we are talking on message boards to connect to people, this is a comfort. If we are on message boards to avoid having a complicated conversation with our partner, it is a shadow comfort. These comforts diminish our spirit and energy, they take us further away from what we need to do to be vulnerable.

Another theme that is critical to wholeheartedness is spirituality. Brown describes it as regularly surfacing in her interviews and data collection. Spirituality does not necessarily imply religiosity, but rather, a belief that we are all connected to each other by a force greater than ourselves. Spirituality is rooted in soulfulness, it encourages us to be generous, brave, and open. Believing in a power higher than oneself encourages or necessitates vulnerability. Brown describes her own coming to terms with vulnerability as part of a spiritual awakening. In Chapter 5, Brown shows the dark side of religion. She documents the gap between the values preached by religious leaders, and how religious leaders often fail to live up to their ideals. Instead, they preach fear “turning faith into ‘compliance and consequences’” (160) rather than modelling how to face fear and the unknown. Without vulnerability and an alignment between values and action, Brown argues that faith becomes bankrupt and leads to extremism. In contrast, spiritual connection is rooted in love, belonging, and vulnerability.

Binary understandings of life and personality are a hinderance to finding your higher purpose. Brown invokes the French philosopher Jacques Derrida’s work on binary opposition (the pairing of opposites) to show how our binaries of winner/loser, kill/be killed, success/failure, leaders/followers shape our worldview. This framework is limited and leaves very little space for open-ness. Believing that life is winner-take-all makes us fearful, it encourages a scarcity mindset. Brown continually reminds us throughout the book that abundance is more productive to embrace and expect. Love and belonging are more important to fulfilment than material success, and this can’t be found by striving, fighting, or asserting. It requires true openness, vulnerability, and understanding. Our desire not to lose thus interferes with our ability to be happy.