Counting the Cost

“When women wear tight or revealing clothes that show certain parts of their skin between their collarbone and knees, it gets guys going and can stir up sensual desires. It can make them think bad thoughts. When girls do that to men, they’re defrauding them. That’s not good, and it can lead them to sin.”

These words from Michelle Duggar teach Jill and her siblings that women’s bodies have the power to cause men to sin against God. Because her parents are the ultimate authority in her life, Jill believes her mother. She is unable to exercise her own critical thinking and only maintains her received worldview.

“By preventing us from discussing anything controversial or sensitive with each other, the instruction not to ‘stir up contention among the brethren’ became a tool for silence, for control, for guilt.”

Jim Bob and Michelle use the directive not to “stir up contention among the brethren” as a tool for controlling their children. Jill especially is so concerned with always obeying her parents and being the perfect daughter that she does not question this rule or see how damaging it is until it is too late. This continues to demonstrate that the fundamentalist worldview prevents one from questioning it, thus perpetuating itself.

“In time, whenever I would hear anyone talk about how that first decision to bring the TV cameras into our home was a window of opportunity, all I would think about was secrets and lies.”

At first, the idea of being on television and being able to educate others about their way of life seems like a fun and exciting idea to Jill. After many years experiencing trauma and Performing Under the Control and Influence of TV, Jill sees how the phrase “a window of opportunity” was used to justify secrets, lies, and the many abuses she experienced throughout her life. The quote demonstrates how the show is an extension of the control perpetuated by Jim Bob.

“It seemed to me as though we were of one mind, united. We trusted Mom and Pops completely. Whatever happened with the show, however long it lasted, I was convinced that it could only ever be a good thing.”

The Duggar children trust their parents and believe that their television show will be a good thing. They are not able to think for themselves about what the consequences of being on television will be or if it is something they actually want to do. Since childhood, they have had their perspective, as well as their life, controlled.

“She was the only elder Duggar girl who was blond, and everybody knew that Mr. Gothard liked blond girls. We’d joke about it, calling Jana one of ‘Gothard’s Girls.’ It didn’t occur to me at all how strange, unsafe, and unwise it was.”

The Duggars see no harm in sending their young daughter to work for Bill Gothard, whom they trust as a leader of the IBLP, despite knowing that he, a man in his 70s, “like[s] blond girls.” In hindsight, Jill sees how unsafe it was for her parents to expose Jana to Gothard like this and wishes that she had been able to see for herself the danger of the situation. In this patriarchal system, no one questions the leading patriarchs, such as Gothard and Jim Bob.

“I was frightened that I was going to say the wrong thing and that someone was going to take us away from Mom and Pops. One wrong word, one bad answer, and I’ll be the one who tears our family apart.”

Jill places immense responsibility on herself for the protection of her family. Rather than being protected by her parents as the victim of sexual abuse, she believes that it is up to her to protect her parents from the scrutiny of outsiders. This reinforces the idea that Jim Bob and Michelle teach their kids that problems can be solved by not talking about them.

“But when it was over, all I wanted to do was put it behind me. I had been terrified of losing my family and traumatized by the questions I had been forced to answer. I wanted to forget all about it. I wanted to move on from the whole thing—as fast and as far away as possible.”

Gendered Abuse in a Christian Fundamentalist Context is difficult to navigate. Jill has been taught since childhood that it is better to resolve issues privately, without the influence of people outside the family. This makes it painful and difficult to confront what has happened to her; rather than discuss it, she simply wants to move on and forget about it. Although she is possibly avoiding the trauma, this does show her deciding how to tell her own narrative.

“Yet Pops’ words went directly against times in the Bible where Jesus broke away from large crowds to address or minister to one person. It left me feeling confused, and kind of sad.”

Jill is shocked to hear her father contradict teachings from the Bible that he had previously told her were important and true. Though Jill does not yet practice her own critical thinking, it is the first time that she sees a glimpse of how her father uses religion to suit his agenda. The fundamentalist worldview is meant to reinforce itself and prevent the children from questioning it or its patriarchs.

“The more I experienced what it meant to allow your life to become the focus of a reality TV show, the more I understood that while it was still a ministry for Pops and the rest of us, it was something entirely different for the network that created us.”

Jill realizes that TLC does not care that the show is a way for the Duggars to preach their lifestyle to others; they are simply in it for the money. To TLC, the Duggars are vehicles for entertainment, and their show must constantly produce fresh, new ways to entertain their audience. This puts pressure on Jill to share private aspects of her life with the world.

“I didn’t see any extra papers to read, and I didn’t really know what it was about, but I didn’t question my dad. After all, in all my life, I’d never had reason not to trust Pops. He knew best, and always had.

So I picked up the pen and signed.”

Despite being an adult, Jill is still under her father’s authority and control. In this moment of foreshadowing, she obeys and trusts him implicitly because she has been taught all her life that to disobey is a sin. She does not even begin to think that her father would take advantage of that trust.

“Derick couldn’t understand how the show could just assume so much power over the birth, and—after more than a decade in front of the cameras—I couldn’t imagine how we could ever hope to stand up for what we wanted.”

Performing Under the Control and Influence of TV is compounded in this moment by Jill’s obedience to her father. Not only does she feel like she cannot tell the network that she does not want something; she also knows that she cannot draw a boundary with her father if it goes against something that he wants. TLC is a controlling agent in Jill’s life, and it is an extension of her father’s control.

“IBLP teaching was clear that his authority over me would never diminish. If I disobeyed him or didn’t honor his wishes and stepped out from under the umbrella of protection, I would be exposing myself to potential harm.”

The belief that disobeying her father is a sin colors Jill’s entire life. This teaching from IBLP puts her in many difficult situations over the years, where she battles to be her own person and still be a good daughter to her parents. This quote again speaks to how this controlling worldview reinforces itself.

“I was one of the older kids, so I naturally felt more weight and responsibility to do something, to help somehow. And I wanted to help them, to show them my love and loyalty in this hardest of times. But I had no boundaries, no sense of what I needed to do to protect myself.”

Jill has never developed her own boundaries, largely due to how she was raised. She often sacrifices her own privacy or safety for the good of her family, especially her parents. She is not able to have her own independence, in a physical or an emotional sense.

“When I’d needed it most, it had failed me. It felt as though I, as a woman, was expected do [sic] all I could to protect Pops and Josh. Nobody appeared to see it differently.”

Jill feels hurt that her father did not protect her the same way he is now protecting Josh from public scrutiny. Despite being the victim of Josh’s abuse, Jill is expected to protect her father and her brother because she is a woman and must therefore care for her family members above even herself. The patriarchal worldview always places women in support-only roles.

“I felt something change inside me. I was still mortified by the thought of Pops feeling angry with us. But I was proud of my husband too. He’d fought for his family, just like he’d promised to do on the day we got married.”

As Jill starts to exercise her own critical thinking, she is able to clearly see the hypocritical ways that her father uses teachings from their upbringing to control her and her siblings. This is only the first step for Jill; it will take much longer before she is able to properly stand up for herself to her father. She has to remove herself from this worldview to then emancipate herself from the lifestyle.

“Part of me found it more terrifying than anything I’d ever encountered. Like a lifer who’d just been unexpectedly released, I felt dazed and unsure about this new world ahead of me. It was all too vast. All too unknowable. I was just twenty-six years old.”

When Jill finishes her final shoot for the show, she is at sea. The shows have been a central part of her life for a decade. With the freedom to finally be able to do what she wants, she feels overwhelmed and terrified.

“But in my world, big families were everywhere. If you didn’t have one, then there was probably something wrong with your body. I hated that I could still feel the involuntary recoil at the stigma.”

Jill has been raised with the belief that it is her duty to have a large family. When she is confronted with the possibility of being unable to have more children, she struggles to reconcile this belief with her new reality. She still believes it is the woman’s duty to have children her entire life.

“But in my world, big families were everywhere. If you didn’t have one, then there was probably something wrong with your body. I hated that I could still feel the involuntary recoil at the stigma.”

Jill has been raised with the belief that it is her duty to have a large family. When she is confronted with the possibility of being unable to have more children, she struggles to reconcile this belief with her new reality. She still believes it is the woman’s duty to have children her entire life.

“I had grown up believing that if I just followed the rules, I would be okay. I guess that belief started to crumble when I learned that Pops had manipulated me into signing the contract. Maybe authority wasn’t always totally trustworthy.”

The experiences that Jill goes through, especially as an adult, force her to start thinking critically about her upbringing. She is confronted with the possibility that her father’s authority is manipulative and self-serving, rather than a protective force in her life. This quote demonstrates that she is beginning to remove herself from the fundamentalist perspective.

“I’d experienced stress and trauma before—some of it caused by individuals in my family—but I’d always been able to count on the rest for support. They had been my gravity, the force that I never had to question and could always rely upon.”

When Jill asserts her own independence and distances herself from her parents’ authority, she is left without a stable support system. She becomes isolated from the people who have otherwise helped her through hard times, making her journey to recovery from abuse all the more difficult. This speaks to the Biblical quote the memoir begins with, as she must do what she thinks is right even if it distances her from her family.

“I was hardwired to be wary, and after everything that happened with In Touch magazine and the story of Josh’s abuse, I found it almost impossible to open up to people.”

Jill finds it hard to trust outsiders, largely due to being raised in relative isolation from the rest of the world. After the details of Josh’s sexual abuse of his sisters are leaked to the public by In Touch magazine, her trust in others is further destroyed. This further speaks to the exploitation she suffers at the hands of the media.

“I was aware that people had used the Bible to manipulate me and press on the nerve of my guilt in order to make me conform to what they felt was acceptable, but I didn’t hold that against God.”

As Jill starts to think critically for herself about how to interpret the Bible, she begins to feel that her parents and IBLP have twisted God’s word to suit their own agendas. Rather than being angry with God, she turns her anger on those who have manipulated and controlled her in the name of religion. She shows that she will begin to think independently about her religion.

“If you keep quiet and try to hide away, people just spread more lies and rumors about you. If you defend yourself and try to set the record straight, criticized and deemed to be unworthy of privacy.”

Performing Under the Control and Influence of TV has placed Jill in a catch-22. She knows that no matter what she does, there will always be people who believe that she has done the wrong thing or acted badly. The world and media expect her to perform the role of the obedient daughter in a fundamentalist context.