Brain On Fire

Prior to her sickness, Cahalan was bright and eager. She was hardworking, focused, and well-liked. Cahalan was not a “typical” girl, yet she was still popular among her colleagues and former classmates. This version of her “was a nostalgic pack rat, who held on to poems” from the 4th grade, and who held on to “twenty-some-odd diaries that dated back to junior high” (9). She was best friends with her mother, and her boyfriend and brother are close seconds. Her memory worked very well and she was usually well-prepared for any situation. This Cahalan thrived on being busy, and enjoyed home-cooked dinners with her boyfriend, Stephen.

The version of Cahalan during her sickness is quite different. She seems to desire to intentionally hurt herself and others as much as possible. She accuses her father of kidnapping her and refuses to allow him into her hospital room. She repeatedly accuses Stephen of desiring other women, to the point of violating his personal privacy to rummage through is private belongings, in addition to violently accusing him of plotting to leave her for her friends and coworkers.

In the hospital, she feverishly swears that television stations and radio stations are full of broadcasts bad-mouthing her personally and professionally. Cahalan does not wish to speak to anyone outside of her family because of the rabid fear she possesses that they are all spreading rumors about where she has been and what has become of her.

This version of her struggles to hold a thought in her head, a word on her tongue, or water in her mouth. She seems to suffer from intellectual disabilities as well as physical ones. From once vibrant and full of potential to now living on the verge of physical shutdown, this Cahalan scares everyone, including herself.

This version of Cahalan oscillates between dissociative and catatonic. She is manic, and strangely affected, and bent on violent escape from the hospital staff committed to attempting to help her. At this time, Cahalan loathes her parents and stepparents, pushing them away with putrid insults.

Every once in a while, a glimmer of Cahalan’s old self shines through, albeit for a brief moment, or at an intensity far less than what those around her are accustomed to.

The fact that she turns upon all those who loved her symbolizes the nature of her illness, in that the problem is that an element of her immune system turns against her. Her body cannot distinguish between enemy (germ or virus, for example), and ally (the cells that are supposed to be there). In terms of her behavior, she turns upon everyone who supports and loves her, treating them like imposters, criminals, and enemies.

During recovery, Cahalan takes very little for granted. She is constantly taking stock of herself and of her whole life. She is keenly aware of her strengths and her faults. This version of her has an unbreakable bond with those close to her, no matter the prior circumstances of their relationships.

Here, Cahalan questions everything and lives with a constant fear that was never present previously. She communicates the depth of her feelings more effectively than at other times in her life. She thoughtfully considers how her life and actions are interconnected to those in her local and global communities.

This version of Cahalan has a sense of purpose previously not felt. She became her old self and subsequently transitioned into a new self. As she purged her sickness, she also purged herself of personal qualities that inhibited her from developing into a better version of herself than she had ever been.