Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close

Attachment theory, a psychological model that describes the dynamics of long-term interpersonal relationships, was initially developed by John Bowlby in the late 1950s and early 1960s. It seeks to understand how people respond in relationships when they are hurt, separated from loved ones, or perceive a threat. Focusing on the bond between infants and their primary caregivers, Bowlby suggested that early attachment experiences shape the individual’s feelings, thoughts, and expectations in later relationships throughout life. This foundational concept has since been expanded to encompass adult relationships, including friendships, romantic partnerships, and even professional connections.

Central to attachment theory is the classification of attachment styles, originally observed in children by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s. Ainsworth’s “Strange Situation” study identified three main attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Securely attached individuals typically had caregivers who were consistently responsive to their needs, leading to adults who are comfortable with intimacy and independence in relationships. Anxiously attached individuals often experienced inconsistent caregiving and tend to fear abandonment and exhibit clingy behavior in adult relationships. Avoidantly attached individuals, having encountered regular rejection or emotional unavailability from caregivers, might struggle with closeness and dependability, often valuing independence over relational intimacy.

The implications of attachment theory for adult relationships are profound. Adults with secure attachment styles generally have healthier, more satisfying relationships characterized by mutual respect, affection, and effective communication. In contrast, those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may encounter more challenges in forming and maintaining close relationships, often navigating issues of trust, dependency, and emotional availability.

Attachment theory’s application extends beyond the understanding of individual behaviors in relationships to include the dynamics of group interactions, societal norms, and cultural differences in attachment. Studies have shown that attachment styles can influence social behaviors and patterns, such as social support systems, conflict resolution strategies, and even the approach to caregiving and parenting in the next generation.

In the context of friendships, attachment theory offers valuable insights into how individuals form, maintain, and navigate the complexities of close bonds. Friendships, much like familial and romantic relationships, can provide significant emotional support, companionship, and a sense of belonging. The attachment style of each individual within a friendship can influence how they communicate, manage conflicts, express needs and expectations, and support one another.

Big Friendship delves into these themes by exploring the authors’ deep and enduring friendship. Their narrative reflects on the challenges and rewards of maintaining a close bond through life’s changes, highlighting the importance of mutual understanding, effort, and adaptation. Throughout the book, Sow and Friedman argue that friendships can and should be treated with as much care, effort, and intention as romantic or familial relationships. The authors reference communications professor Emily Langan, whose dissertation on best friendships studied whether attachment theory could also apply to platonic relationships. While attachment theory has since been applied in contexts beyond parent-child bonding, Langan still received resistance and skepticism from her colleagues when exploring attachment within friendships; Langan’s colleagues believed that attachment theory only applied to families. However, Langan claims that close friendships can be similar to stable families in that securely attached friends stay updated on each other’s lives and serve as a stable base and a safe harbor for one another. Sow and Friedman assert that their Big Friendship has indeed reflected the dynamics of attachment theory.